today

today was a bad day



i want a do-over

Insatiable

Is my hunger for a home.

I visited my family this weekend.
It made me beyond happy.
We did nothing special...
nothing dramatic...
Except for the river boat ride on Saturday,
we didn't really have anything planned.
We were just family.
I don't remember missing them this much.
Maybe its because I finally have a picture of all 6 of us,
Just a small wallet photo...
But we are all smiling...
even Jake...
because Jake hardly ever smiles in pictures.
But it was just good
to be in such a loving position.
To know what belonging truly means.
I miss them already.
So much.
And I wish that when I wake up in the morning,
Dani will be on the bed with me,
And Sarah will be on the floor,
And Jonn will have Jakes bed,
And Jake will be on the couch,
ANd in just a few moments maybe
I will hear my dad make the coffee.
I left Reptile there.
I told Sarah
to tell mom
to send him to me.
I miss him too.
But its Bear Fest in Grants Pass...
So I"m not entirely surprised that he wanted to stay behind.
I keep thinking,
"If I just had one more day..."
But one more day would never be enough.
I saw my family every day for almost 21 years of my life
And now the visits are far inbetween,
And now I know a lifetime would never be enough to spend with my dad and mom and brother and sisters.
My nana and grandpa.
My beloved Bear.
My family.
It was such a wonderful visit and surpassed any expectation I would have placed on it. I am thankful that Jonn wanted me to see my family as much as I did...I love Jonn. And Jonn loves me. He is family.
Anyway,
I'm tired
Uberly.
Sleep well, dear ones.

fifty stars line the flag

i'm making cookies tomorrow night
for afi and apt
my two weeks notice is in.
i'm drinking a coca cola vanilla zero
maroon nails
thinking of home
missing him

feet sore
muscles worked
hair wet
legs shaved, lotioned
cleaned.
something corporate playing
looking six lines above
wondering what i meant by that
i had no idea i wrote that.

he never called.
the month mark passed
so i forgot
or so i thought i did.
pooh oh my untamable fingers
i want to move to london after
graduation
or back east.

i'm neither trendy
nor urban


i miss my poetic tree

Missing U; Like a Nipple is 8

Hi.
I enjoy Karine's writing style.
Kind of poetic.
Kind of not.
Just right.

I read in James tonight that worldly wisdom is demonic; that where there is selfish ambition and vain conceit comes every vile thing.
Anger.
Lack of peace.
Fights.
Stupidity.
I also read in James that hell itself sets the tongue on fire. HELL ITSELF! That's a pretty bad place...or so I hear. Furthermore, every bird, every reptile, every mammal, every creature on this earth can or has been tamed by man; but NO MAN CAN TAME THE TONGUE. "It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

I can blame my tongue.
But its my heart that is wicked.
And I can focus on how I'm such a selfish screw up...
But I won't.

God's strength is made perfect through my weakness.
I don't know how to explain that except that it must be grace.

In the words of Ashley Roberts, "I don't get it."

I'm beyond disappointed.
Beyond sorrowful.
Beyond feeling stupid.
An idiot.
A hopeless screw up.
I'm a dog that returns to its own vomit.
What a lovely image.

Is it bad that I'm barely hanging on because I want to believe in hope?
I believe in God.
I believe that HE is God.
I believe that God can work miracles.
I want to have hope that He can work one in me; He is the only one that can break this endless cycle...

"Clap your hands if you believe..."

i was reading job.
and i received a text message
from sir joshua.
and i kept reading.
it was that moment when i truly knew
that God is number one in my life.
two people in my class are in jail like situations
right now.
my mom reminded me of the time when i ran away to
lynnzis house today
and my cheeks blushed with the stupidity of my former me

i found this wonderful verse in job

it almost reads like a fortune cookie

Behold, happy is the man whom
God Corrects
Therefore do not despise the chastening of the
Almight

job 5 17


ps- jamie and i are going to see tranformers tomorrow night.
a whoot whoot

My Immortal Beloved Roses...

are still alive.
How long has it been?
Almost 2 weeks, right?

Still pink.
A little droopy but soft.
They're drinking all of their water...

I love my roses.
They smell pretty.
And make me smile everytime I look at them.

Oh, roses,
you are good company.

sweet dreams, fragile ones.

Oh, Mike...

I came home from work tonight...tired. Tired would be an understatement. I am reminded that yes, I did sleep a minimum of 6 hours last night. That is a supremely amount compared to the shut eye that Karine or Jonn receives. And still I complain of how tired I am...wah, wah, wah. What say you, Jamie Lyn of Olympian Court?

Nothing. Just that I slept through all three of my alarms this morning. And 5 o'clock came all too late. I clocked out promptly at 5:02 (goodness gracious, David will have a fit over those 2 minutes of overtime), came home, decided, "I want something to drink. A bever-age [bever-raaahhge]." So, I went to Albertsons, bought a 6 pack of Mikes hard lemonade, drank 3, and felt pretty good.

As a result, I have not seen Alexander or even heard from him. Word on the street is that he went to Austrailia to test his mothers theory that there are bad days even there. Horrible-no-good-very-bad-days tend to live anywhere the sun shines. Except in Antarctica. Only Polar bears live in Antarctica...and they don't have horrible-no-good...well, you get the point. But if YOU went there, well, no doubt a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day would follow. Polar bears are the only mammals who hunt humans, you know. And if you are there, a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day is sure to happen. They tend to be needy...creatures. So if a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day follows you to Antarctica, I wonder how that would effect the Polar bears? Then they would have a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. And I wonder what the looks like for them? Perhaps, since you are there, they would cultivate their appetite for human blood until they eat you and your family/friends to extinction. And then they, abusing human substance, would become irriatable creatures, not being able to have their human fix, and then they would suffer from a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. So all in all, you should not go to Antarctica. For the Polar bears sake, for heavens...sake.

I don't really miss Alexander. Supposedly, he is to send me a postcard. That is if the Polar bears don't eat him first (there are no Polar bears in Australia...are there?) I guess we have both moved on...I should say I have made further progress than him. Why, HE is in Australia, just asking for a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. Although they have threatened me, I have not succumbed to their wiles. I have remained strong, fixed on my goal. Which is...ask me tomorrow. I'm too tired to think right now. But not too tired where I lose my focus. I have learned to keep my eyes open for those horribly needy creatures of what we call a "bad day." There was one today, hiding behind a tiny tree in the Barnes and Noble parking lot after work today. I kept my eye on him while I talked to Jonn on the phone...the creature finally realized I was not going to budge and then he left...his scaly tail between his legs, his notably pointy ears flat on his bumpy head. This one was large in size...I have met many of many different sizes...so don't be surprised if they come in different packages. The larger ones always seem more intimidating, but honestly, if you just tell them off, they are sure to leave. And don't allow yourself to be affected...effected...by their rotten spinach flavored breath. That's just a scare tactic and as soon as they realize they are being ignored, they stop wasting their time and just walk away, ready to pounce on some other unfortunate, uniformed human. Or what they deem to be so...

Anyway...Alexander. Postcard. If it doesn't come by tomorrow, I'll let you know...eventually. I love Alexander and all, but I have to take care of my day to make sure that it is not threatened by horrible-no-good-very-bad-day-its. It's hard work, you know...much to hard and time consuming to be worried about an international post-card. Besides, I'm sure Alexander is fine and having a wonderful time...

But of course we can't forget...
Bad days happen everywhere.
Even in Austrailia

.

i think tears would help
they would turn the day to night
and the night to sleep.

Summer Feeling

The day was uneventful (except for the firemen who came to the house to pick up the gas spill)
and hot.
A dry morbid heat...it reminded me of western movies and desert scenes.
I was disgusted by the heat.
More so by the sweat that literally poured down my arms and my face. I held up my hands like a dog holds up his paws as if to plead, "don't touch me."
It was the only reminder of summer...today.
But tonight...
tonight was beautiful, though still slightly warm.
I was on my way home in Jonn's white work pick-up truck.
Summer hit me then in the most pleasant of ways.
Maybe because it was still light outside at 930ish.
The horizon still glowed from the light of the sun...a sweet and subtle glow that reminded me of country times.
Add to that the sound of the ball game on the radio. The crowd was euphoric over a home-run that Kemp hit out of the park...a distance of a football field and a half, according to Jonn.
Driving by the Outback restaurant, I shouted, "BBQ!"
And it was summer.
All of a sudden,
in one quick motion,
without missing a beat,
summer came to me.
I'm excited about Oregon.
Very much so.
The highlight of my summer will be Oregon.
And family.
And trees.
And deer walking across the road.

thoughts before bed

before i fall asleep
things chase in my mind
money
always money
can i afford this?
is my pain worth this?
my job is ick man
ick.
for the past three days i've been alone at work
no lunch break
nothing
hey, yeah. thats illegal
but people need to eat.
(but wait.... so do i...)
i have decided to quit before i go home
i can't handle anymore
so i decided in addition to more terryberry this fall
i will babysit
but she wants me 3-6 everyday
no. i can't
i will email her in the morning
take out a loan says dad.
we can do it
dont over load yourself
okay i say
instantly i worry
but money
but food?
will i be able to afford two ply tissue paper?
can i buy kleenex?
what if i need something?
i'm a believer in doing things yourself.
because people normally dont see your vision
dont care about what you care about
and blah blah
so the fact of not working more than 8 hours a week scares me
but then again i'll be interning
the truth of the matter is i hate downtime
it scares me
my thoughts terrify me
when i'm running around on the floor
i dont think about him
that i'm still waiting for him to call me tomorrow
when i'm asking if you need ketchup or tabasco
i dont worry about the future
give it to God.
its all i can do.
stressing out wont change anything
he'll call if its meant to be
do i want another josh?
no.
my future
God holds
i dont.
when my feet hurt
God give me pedicures
well
kinda.
he provides them maybe.
the hotel opened on may 17th
and today
i saw my first family pray before eating.
Right now, as lame as this thought sounds
I'd like to draw God a picture
to put on His refrigerator just to show Him
that i appreciate Him. Maybe just maybe, it would look
like a twilight. It would capture the beauty He created.
or if i didn't
He knows.
its a twilight.