music

After almost twenty two years of living I have discovered my main problem with life.
My life is not anything like a movie.
I have no soundtrack forewarning me of things to come.
When I see leaves falling from the sky,
I can't stare up and dance in circles with my arms wide across
in my red peacoat and matching beret
I never get asked if I want to accept this secret mission
nor do i ever go to fancy balls in fancy dresses.
i dont run into hottiesin the hallway
have our books drop
and as we both reach down to get them
we gaze
lost
in each other eyes.
say awkward hellos
and then run off
only to fall in love
about twenty movie minutes later
my foot doesn't pop when I kiss
and i'm not lost royalty
no boy picks on me at school because he secretly wants me
there probably will never be a man with a chain saw in my closet
and i'm too old for prom queen
i realized I dont like to write
because i hate the transfer of ideas from my brain
to existence
i feel as if what I think
is never what i write
I realized this as i watch the day sky
become the night sky
i watched stars appear
and i waited for a moment when all would become clear
in my mind
and the words would flow
but my Epiphany never came
the images still float around in my head
poems never written
some one better call the electric company
my creative outlet is plugged
i do wish my life was like a movie
background music would be nice

See you later...

This "Little House on Memory Lane" is mine too, yes? Surely, I have my own room here, with my small yet practical desk, next to a window overlooking a glass-paned lake...and there, in the corner, is my twin-sized bed with quilted blankets and fluffy down pillow. Its the only furniture I have, except for the desk, of course, and the wood straight back chair accompanying it. The fire-place is my favorite feature...flames leap,dance, casting shadows on sparsely furnished walls. But this is my room, "a room of my own." Crumpled drafts cover the large multi-colored braided rug, evidence that I don't like those ideas. But that's the beauty of this room: I don't have to like them. Safety lies within these walls. Secrets are shared, kept, concealed. But if my words stay here, how will they be heard? Some words I want to share. But won't. That's my explanation for the paper-littered floor. Write. Crumple. Toss...and the process repeats itself in morbid montany. I want to share everything with you. But listening is not your priority...harsh of me to say, isn't it? As familiar as this room is, I hardly know it anymore. I hardly know you. Memories hold little substance, enough to sustain you until the next ones are made...but I see little in the making. The cupboards are empty. The fridge is bare. I am leaving. I am going home...

A Friendly Wave From the Window

I, too, kept peering into this little house. But unlike you, Aimee, I did throw rocks at the windows of our existance...existence...whatever. :)

But I am OH SO HAPPY to hear a familiar voice on here...life is crazy...but it shouldn't be so crazy that we don't open our homes to friends.

Sometimes I forget to breathe...like this morning, for instance, during horseback riding. I kicked Hope, "hiyah!" I told her...and away we trotted. "Heels down, Jamie. Don't forget to breathe!" Don't forget to breathe...
Argh. Papers to write. Late papers to turn in. Interpersonal vocab to memorize...just breathe. Ailing cars. Sickly body...just breathe. In time, it will pass. It has to, right? Each day can be conquered...

I'm off to bed. Just wanted to let you know I am here.
Love you all...

A joy

You know I keep checking our littlehouseonmemorylane
hoping to peer in your windows like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory
or maybe just like a Salem girl who misses her dear friends,
but the curtains are drawn,
and I would like to ring all the doorbells
and set off the alarm!!
no more hibernation....
wakey wakey eggs and bakey.
How is everyone??

Here...I am being discipled for the first time ever
though Nancy has been saying all along,
You should be discipled!
I am now.
tonight I was put to sleep at 7:00
by the daunting task of a final 2 weeks,
2 long weeks with snow capped peaks.
but my eyes pulled open,
like a shoe pulling up from bubblegum on warm cement
because 8:30 was our meeting time...

O, how faithful our God is!!
I wish to remind you
and scrape off the gum like mine was tonight.
We prayed
and realized that this life has tribulations...
but be of good cheer, for He has overcome the world!
and half my assignments...
half my hardships...
I watched them fade away as if I had imagined them.

How imagined is the future?
is it not always equally imagined?
from What I want to be when I grow up,
to Syllabuses,
even Tomorrow I will go to such and such a day--
we can say, O, let us say, so joyfully!-
God willing.

For it is His good pleasure
little flock
that we rejoice in where we are now...
(for me, writing a blog,
throwing rocks at your windows
in the middle of the night...!!)

word.

if had i one wish.
just one.
i wish my words could flow like yours.
they sounds so intriguing and deep
when they create in my mind
but the second they hit the world
they die.
too weak to stand on their own
they fall and retreat.
so many thoughts
so many ideas.
but i dont write
because they wont look nice.
i read what you write
and your words take me there
they take me to you
but when i write
they are just words
nothing more
and nothing less.

no words

I just listened to Five for Fighting's 100 Years...and now Skydiving is on...

I hate that I have all this work I will not be able to get done, not well; I hate I have not kept up with the work and now it is going to swallow me.

I hate that I am a Bible study leader and get to take a class at Corban and have a schedule of my week with "quiet time" in ink every morning, and I haven't done it a single morning since end of August.

I hate that I pay $30,000 a year as if I beleived I were worth it, and I ride the bus 3 times a week with people who are all asking eachother for aspirin, and nobody has any.

It deflates me
watching in my mind
the conversations of last night,
and knowing God's my only shot
but what he's put before me
I choke on before swallowing.
Wish away wish away wish away
100 years will pass someday
why be so distraught now...
is there an easier way...
easy died a long time ago,
ohh...

Bottom Line

Life is always weird.
Things happen and you're just like...what?
I am in a beautiful relationship with a passionate, funny and God-fearing man...I still cannot comprehend why he would love me as he does, appreciate me the way he does, know me the way he does. I am blessed and there is no way around it...it's just one of those things where I'm like...what?

A man told me on Wednesday that I am a "deep ocean, a HUGE ocean, and I'm thinking of the Pacific here because its the largest..." Have you ever...has someone ever talked to you and it felt like they were looking into your soul? I know that sounds corny but have you ever experienced it? Wednesday was the 3rd time that it has happened. It's when somone reads you, gets into your head and your heart and sees all those things you try to keep quiet...things you've never really voiced to anyone...and then, wham, someone knows and they are telling you what is your heart to your face! And your're like...what? Yeah...

1. My first experience was with Christo Stein from Holland...we were both on Teen Missions Int'l. Those luminous larg brown eyes of his, staring compassionately into mine, and speaking aloud what I KNEW had never been spoken of before...he saw me...saw through every freakin' facade I tried to show...left me trembling.

2. Chuck Williamson was my second "soul speaker." I thought that was an appropriate though semi-misleading term. We were in Mexico my rookie year...everyone was in bed besides Chuck and I stepped out of my tent to brush my teeth. He told me to have a seat...I did. And before I knew it he found me...he found Jamie...and I kept crying and he kept talking about...me...and everything he said I thought, everything he said I felt, was right...something I had thought I was hiding well...but there were other things...things that he wouldn't have known about...thoughts, feelings...and they were there...still are there in Mexico...and life went on as though nothing had happened...as though he didn't know my secrets...

3. The third experience was with a friend named Mike...I help out at his office...I don't know where it started, I don't know how it started...but he sees me as a beautifuly complex individual...someone he and his family care very deeply for. And before I knew what was going on, my eyes were teary and then I remembered the feeling of nakedness, vulnerability, fear, confusion...and I wanted to run and hide underneath a rock but just like before, my feet were firmly planted where they were and I could not move...I wanted to hear I was understood. I wanted to hear that I had been thought about and prayed about...I wanted to hear that someone SEES past all this crap.

"I have my writing," I tell him. "I have my journal...but it doesn't talk back."

Do you know how incredibly...I felt like such a whimp, like such a loser...

"It must be lonely sometimes..."

Yeah, I tell him. Sometimes.
Is it sad that I just want a friend? Someone to sleep over. Someone to drink coffee with. Someone to laugh with, be crazy with, be spontaneous with, be girly with...someone I can be totally honest with...all of my thoughts, no matter how sinful they may be...let me tell them to you so you can put me line! I want to know I'm safe. I just want to be real...regardless of how ugly or beautiful that may be. I don't have that. At least not here. And its hard...its so freaking hard...and if you come across this, whoever you are, say a prayer for me that I will be strengthened and that I won't give up...that I will truly love other people by allowing them to be real with me.

I don't want to live in shadows.
I don't want to be an afterthought.
I don't want to be a left-over.

I just want a friend.
I want to be a friend...in every sense of the word...

the end.

The Fourth Bear

Today,
Bear came into my work. While I went hither and thither, Bear sat at a table and read his book, "The Fourth Bear." (this is not a joke).
He brought me fresh fruit and an empty bean can with a little bear inside: Bean Can Bear. Her name is Sasha...and apparently, her and JoJo (my Protectorbear while I am driving) get along very well. They were together tonight in my car, probably dancing, while I went to Klubb 23 (Klubb 23 is actually just Bear's apartment).
Bear and I usually go out on a Saturday night but tonight was different. He had a show earlier and wasn't feeling well to begin with. So we just read together at the Klubb. He "The Fourth Bear" and I "Wind in the Willows."

"This is so bohemian," he kept saying.

I love my Bear.
I love Reptile bear.
I love JoJo bear.
I love Sasha bear.
I love Bear.

Its Friday night

hot chocolate was made for marshmellows.
and homework was not made for Friday nights.
since our generation enjoys breaking norms of this society
i shall break one too.
i will get wasted on the intoxicating history of mass communications
and high on argumentation and debate
and i will sleep with the knowledge I have gained.
and not with an STD infested boy.
take that society.
I socked it to the man.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to September. She ends soon, you know. Just a couple more days and life will morph into October. But I'm ready for October. I'm ready for the colder weather he brings, the way he seduces the clouds into breaking their silence, the way he covers this colorless southern California earth into a deeper shade of grey and how the only real color we see is the orange of the pumpkins on the vines or in their respected boxes at the grocery store. Southern California lacks the feisty personality of fall and I suppose that if I never experienced her outside of this dreariness, I would place myself in a tanning booth along with the rest of these morbid and thankless southern Californians.

October means wearing my brown and black leggings underneath mini skirts and scarves that my mom made for me wrapped around my neck. Oh, how I missed you too. October means its ok to be cliche: go ahead and indulge yourself in a good book while you sit next to the warmth of a fire...you dont need a stone hearth either. October means many things. It means rain and frizzy curls...it means watching the "smoke" in the air while you breathe and smile up at the one you love. October means boots and thick socks and naturally rosy cheeks.

It means a one year anniversary.

It means commitment and realizing that you're starting to understand what that word truly means.

Usually in October, the Bears are settling in for their winter slumber...they're wrapping themselves in extra thick fur and are whispering sweet nothings in their sweetheart Bear's ear so that they'll dream sweetly while they're apart.

October means love "recalled to life." It is rugged and overcast but if you catch the subtleties of it's beauty, it will leave you breathless. Watch for the whisper of color while the leaves turn, listen to the silence of clouds rolling by, feel the sensuousness of the rain as it kisses your fingers. Watch the blotches of orange grow larger as the diameter of the pumpkin increases. These are beautiful things! "Seek, and you will find."

October helps me to envision my mom in her kitchen, making soups and stews and homemade bread and becoming excited about fallen leaves on the side of the road. My mom is a bohemian at heart. She loves fall...perhaps she is the one who taught me to love it as well. In fact, every memory that has led me to fall in love with fall has to do with her...she taught me to appreciate it, to savor that sweet something that comes from ironing leaves and shreded crayons onto wax paper. Looking back, I don't think I would have come to love it on my own. She instilled in me certain values about fall, to appreciate the little things that makes fall so majestic. Such as tiny pumpkins placed around the house...the smell of cinnamon sticks boiling on top of the wood stove. Without letting me know it directly, she implanted certain devices to trigger my senses and my thoughts...such a sly one she is.

Well...
I must be on my way...
September is waiting for our final goodbye and I must meet her...

I'm not very good at growing up

i wish my body was a suit.
That i could just take off for a week
and run off
and be free
free from me.
i would sit on the mountains a few days, eat berries
play with the animals. splash and laugh in the clear river
i would go to the prairie and sit in the long long grass.
i would be lost in it,
and no one would care
because I wouldn't be me.
i would go to chicago
just because i've never been.
just a week off
a week to sit
and bury my toes in the sand
and not be me.
lets run away lundsberg
lets drop these hats life as given us
and be five again.
we'll have juice time
and i'll want to be a mermaid in the pool
and you and ammo
will laugh at me
we'll go to vbs and be in it.
not part of it.
lets go.
lets go back to 1990 my faithful friend

Places

It has almost reached the middle of my final semester at TMC. What was once the beginning of a new chapter in my life back in August 06 is now quickly coming to an end. Every season is a new beginning and contains new obstacles to overcome, routines to master...and once those are completed, it is time to think ahead to the next conflict, development and resolution. It's funny how life really is just a series of short stories. Perhaps it is one way that God demonstrates his grace so that we are not overwhelmed at once by the pressures in life such as relationships, plans for the future, etc.

It's usually during these transitional times that I want to run away. I don't care what I have with me, I don't care who I leave behind. I just want to go...

to Paris-Here, I will have the most cliche Parisian experience. I will drink espresso at a little sidewalk cafe and read a book...or write my own.

to Italy-Here, I will visit the old country where antique stone homes are surrounded by acres of rolling vineyards. I will help pick the grapes and then stamp them with my feet. And after that, I will sit down with a friendly Italian family and eat a meal of raviolli's and lasagna...accompanied, of course, with a nice bottle of red wine...and freshly baked garlic bread.

to Switzerland- I don't want to be here for too long...just long enough to get a massage and buy some chocolate.

to Australia- to snorkel in the warm water and bathe in the sand...I'd go horseback riding on the beaches and talk to the natives.

to Chicago, Boston, upstate New York- because I have never been to these places and I want to go. I want to go and be a bohemian...it is nearly impossible to be a bohemian in Los Angeles

to name a few places.

At least I get to go to Texas in October and Oregon in November. That will be nice...

Muse

Thalia is the greek goddess of muse.
She's playing with me...
and I'm not quite sure what she is trying to say.

Life is hard, man. Life is point blank hard. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world...other times, like today, I wonder if I can just make it through another 24 hours. It seems like such a long time, but it really isn't. It will slip right on past me...I won't even notice until its gone and then I will wish that I had it back.

But I can't.

I can't have any of my past back. I cannot go back and though I can hang onto it if I wished...I can't do that either. If I'm not moving forward then I am moving backward. There is no inbetween. Turning the page of each new day grows harder and harder...if I don't keep moving forward, I'll never see the end of my story.

I like how I am vague with everything I have written. Why is life hard? What pages? What part of the past am I talking about? Why is moving forward so hard?

isn't it sad, that on this journey, you really only walk with one other person? People float in and out of your life...you don't see them coming, when they're here its hard to remember what life was like without them, and when they're gone...theyre gone. And you miss them. And its hard for awhile...but you always move on. You may never forget them...you may even want them back. But you always find yourself still living...still dreaming...still fighting for whatever it is that we fight for on this earth.

I wish it weren't that way...

i'm looking for you too

i suppose honesty isn't always the best policy
i would like my facebook status to be honest
Karine is undesirable.
but i can't write that
because the stream of pity comments would follow
'karine you're precious' 'what do you mean?'
'dont be ridiculous' and the like would follow
but the number of comments that would flood my page
wouldn't change the fact
words are but words
blowing through the wind changing at ever stop
words are not constant
but actions are
actions speak louder than words my dear friend
so much louder
as i sit alone on a cliff of the figment of my imagination
these actions echo and resonate through out the canyon
and these words that mean nothing to me are like the writing on my
bottom of my shoe.
i stand on them, but they change nothing.
there or not there.
my life goes on.
i feel like i'm always too much.
too sarcastic
too city
too silly
not serious enough
too serious
too backwoods
it changes from each person
but i never feel like me.
maybe thats why its the canyon and me today
because my other half
is struggling with the same thing
but I'm here buddy.
i'm waiting for you.
I'm lonely
I'm trying to be content.
I'm trying so hard.
I hope, I'm right for you.
I hope you enjoy me for me.
I hope you like that I like to get dressed up.
I hope you enjoy the fact that I wear heels
I hope you enjoy the fact that I like to cause trouble
Some how I know you will.
Together, we will be one.
And when you finally rescue me from my lonely castle on the hill,
I'll put my arm in the crook of your arm and smile at you.
Knowing you complete me. every little last complex section of me.

The Picture

I saw a picture tonight, a picture of someone I have heard so much about but only now know what she looks like. My heart stopped when I realized who it was...but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. For some reason she, above them all, has bothered me the most. And I know why...it's because of something that was said...something she had wanted to do. She had wanted to come see him and he said, "yes...as long as Jamie is with me." And she got upset with him. I had never even talked to her before, never saw her picture until just now. I find her...not threatening...but just annoying.

But it's comforting...
she isn't as pretty as I thought.
And even if she were the most beautiful woman alive,
my bear loves me.
And that is what matters.

and thats what you get for falling again

i guess i wonder why my heart still feels at all.
like a calloused hand, wounded over and over again
it s such a hurt heart
the scars it carries go deep, and memories sting
jimmy eat world says no one cares.
today is one of those days where i feel like that nerd
in eight grade, sitting in drama class, looking at the popular girls
wondering what piece i was missing.
i never found that piece.
i'm in the corner
watching what i want pass by.
i wonder why my sister looks up to me.
i wonder why jamie looks up to me.
the nerd in the corner is taking over.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a hiaku on how i feel

bangs please hide sad eyes
blue in green plays in my head
i will get over it

Simple wins the War

I sat in English class today
discussing The Red Wheelbarrow
as in, they who don't know my name
talked, and I looked out the window

for a moment.
Grey sky outside, blooming in me
softness and joy of belonging
at home with family in the winter evening
with stovetops and cushions and sleeping through the end
of a movie.

I saw grey sky and a red jacket bent over;
an old man with white hair
moving slower than I would
to the brick built theater building.

such soft joy filled the english class then
so much depends upon
the simplicities of life

it took him two minutes to write
The Red Wheelbarrow.
I like the reading best
that says so much depends upon beauty,
and so much depends upon
seeing old men in the fall
in the middle of entangling discussions of a
poem.

They Call me Shorty

I went to Karine's tonight

apart

108

meant



s

e

p

e

r

a

t

e



t
*h
e
*n


together


***************like 310*****************

(but different)

A Fine Wine

My favorite teacher here at school is Dr. Simons. I've never heard him saying anything obscene or even entirely offensive. The thing about Doc is that his words contain so much power and the force behind them leaves you with a sense of respect for what he says...regardless of what it is. His every opinion, belief, command is filled with such conviction and confidence. He's harsh. But he makes me want to be a better person. And for all of his gruffocity, there is a gentleness behind his thunder. A gentleness refined by age and wisdom. He's understanding...but holds my feet to the fire.



One of my favorite things about Doc is his storytelling, his reminiscing of the way life was when he was our age; his memories of Woody his wife, like yesterday when he told the class a detailed account of the first time he laid eyes on her. Her back was turned towards him and she was facing a mirror, applying her lipstick, wearing a navy blue wool skirt and blue wool sweater her hair in a fashionable up-do. And he couldn't move he was so captivated by her beauty. He loves her so much...



But one of the things that I most appreciate about him is his understanding of where we are in our lives at this moment. This limbo, this purgatory of being on our own, of breaking away from our families, but not yet having one of our own. This place is hard. Part of you wants that security of the familiar nest...but part of you enjoys this lone adventuring. And you're torn between two worlds, two ways of life...but you know that the only way is forward, no matter if you don't know how you will get even one step farther.



Doc Simon's prayer before every class goes something like this: Thank You for Your mercy and grace. Bless each student here. Keep us from evil and keep evil from us.



And this semester he adds: and provide for the needs of each student here.



My car broke down...it still runs but I don't think its safe to drive. I live 20-30 minutes away from school and my prayer for the past 24 hours has been, "give me faith to believe that you will provide." I know He will. But I want my faith to be kept...firm. And I need help with that...so I ask Him to help me.



I'll let you know how things progress.

Pray for me if you get the chance.

"Sool"

When I was 7 or 8 years old, our elderly neighbors used to have thier grandchildren visit them from Alaska. I don't remember the little girls name, but Ryan was a little boy, about 4 or 5, who was fascinated by airplanes and liked to help Jake and I build mud roads on which our tractors, trucks, and cars would "drive" on. He pronounced "school" as "sool" and for some reason I have never forgotten that.

It is my second week of "sool" and for the most part it has not been entirely gruesome. The fun starts now, though, as we are already discussing and planning our group projects for the end of the semester. I have to do a lot of reading for class discussion tomorrow. My book is probably lost in the mail as I have yet to receive it so I'm hoping the library has it in stock.

I am tired.
Karine and I used to wake up last semester and the first topic we would discuss was when we were going to take our nap that day. Right after chapel? I get out at this time...let's do a 15 minute power nap in this time slot... And then we would lock our doors and Karine's I-tunes would softly play in the background and if anyone tried to contact us...it wasn't going to happen. Naps were sacred in 310, one of the many things I miss about it. Today I work at 4. I will probably be home around 2 so that gives me about an hour nap before I have to get ready for work. AN HOUR! I'm quite excited about that...and tomorrow I get to sleep in, a luxury that I have unfortunately grown used to.

Tomorrow is homework day.
I like that I have 2 days a week that can be completely devoted to homework.

Karine makes me laugh. We are so different from each other in virtually every single way. I am in my khaki capris and a purple/fuscha t-shirt and flip flops...my hair is up because its too hot to straighten it...and Karine shows up to class in a pencil skirt, with a brown shirt tucked in, brown heels and ( if I remember correctly) a clutch.

Karine eats like a civilized being in the caf.
I eat a chicken leg out of a zip lock bag...in class.
Karine communicates very well. She plays, she banters, she takes charge and Karine most likely has that number you've been looking for in her cell phone. She's classy. Sophisticated. And has a heart as wide and deep as the unexplored ocean. I admire that kid.

And me?
Well, I prefer to be comfortable rather than fashionable. But I do make sure that I am at least semi-presentable...I don't wear pencil skirts to class but I make sure I look tidy. And whereas Karine is bold and daring when it comes to talking with people, I am more reserved and quiet...and most likely the one to make a fool of herself in a conversation..."are you Ben?...oh...you're Joel. Now I remember!" What a tard...

But Karine loves me.
And I love Karine.
She is the yin and I am the yang...
and for all of our differences,
we do have similarites,
and we have a unique friendship.
I love that kid.

Well...
I'm off to find the book...

time is running out

Dearest Blog,

I have not given you up. Life is crazy. I'm trying to make sense of it all. School just started, its my last year blog dearest. Give me time to settle down. Allow my thoughts to fall to the ground like autumn leaves. Then, like the girl in Boys of Summer, i will return to you. Because I know you'll be here, after the boys of summer have gone.

Library Lotion

Several things:
I smell tuna. Several months ago, I made a promise to myself, to nature? perhaps...but mostly to myself, I suppose, for the cause of nature, that I would refrain from eating seafood. We are raping the seas; taking more than our share. And for someone who is fascinated, awed even, by the life and mechanisms of the sea, this saddens me. It truly saddens me...I know that under God's authority, man is given authority above the land and sea animals. But, as with so many other things, man has abused that and has used it for personal gain. BUT...and I have confessed to this...I did eat fresh salmon the weekend of Kelsey's wedding. My eyes roll in pure satisfaction as I remember the smooth texture, the buttery taste, the herbs, even the scent...and I want it again. I want to eat seafood. I want a tuna sandwhich with lettuce and tomatoe. I have been craving it since that fateful day I partook of the forbidden fruit on the coast of northern California. What am I to do? Well, today, I will stick with my chicken. And as much as I want to buy cans of tuna...I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't!!!

Secondly,
I am enjoying all of my classes. So far. I know that soon I will begin to feel the pressure of argumentation and debate as I am not much of an arguer and not much of a debater. But still, I find the class fascinating. I thought today that maybe I should have majored in the history of communication or the anthropology or linguistics or...something along that nature. I find the study of communcation absolutely fascinating! Print Media is definently interesting to me as well but more of in an artistic way. For the most part, writing comes easy for me. I like to put my thoughts into words, I like to argue on paper, I like to let my "creative juice" flow through
poetry and other forms of creative writing. But it doesn't stretch my mind as I believe majoring in any other study of communication would. Did I take the easy way out? Well, I don't know. I don't regret my major nor am I displeased with it. I enjoy it! Oh, to have the best of both worlds. Maybe...maybe I will go back to school somewhere else and take some different communication classes. That is that.

Thirdly,
I am hungry. Desperately. So, I am going to say good-bye and go eat my chicken.

ayo

well.
its a new school year
and its already crazy.
i can't figure out why.
senior year.
its my last year of school
all my life has been dominated by this school thing
and now its ending...

The Never Mind

I wish I could speak in a code that...someone...could understand. Someone I have not yet met. Someone who would not hold anything against me. Someone who understood the message.

I wish I knew the message.

Or at least how to formulate it...because I have the words...they just aren't in order. I feel like I have so much to tell (but I really don't. It's a trick that my mind sometimes plays on me...or a trick that someone plays on my mind). But it would help, I believe, if someone would listen and would appreciate the telling. I wish I were an artist. I have always done well with pictures...show me a picture and I can figure it out! But now...even I don't understand the words that are floating about in my mind...I just see bits and pieces...and if I could just sketch it out with number 2 lead, I might have a better idea of just exactly what this..."message"...is. And don't have it in me to sketch it out in words because I don't understand much of it.

I just know that sometimes I see myself in different places, doing diffrent things and I see what I am doing now and I wonder who I am...exactly. Not in a "I-don't-know-who-I-am" sort of thing...just...I guess I have dreams and I wonder if they're worth anything...or if I'm just allowing myself to be deluded that they can become a reality. I am sure that each person, no matter what stage he is in, often wonders the same thing. It is no new quandry.

However, more recently I am tempted to take things into my own hands. Not commanding destiny...but taking a gamble...and spurring things along. Time will tell...

Anyway...
that is that. Thanks for reading...you really do have no idea what it means to have someone read my thoughts, to get them out knowing that there is a good chance someone will find them...or maybe you do understand. I don't know. But thanks anyway...

today

today was a bad day



i want a do-over

Insatiable

Is my hunger for a home.

I visited my family this weekend.
It made me beyond happy.
We did nothing special...
nothing dramatic...
Except for the river boat ride on Saturday,
we didn't really have anything planned.
We were just family.
I don't remember missing them this much.
Maybe its because I finally have a picture of all 6 of us,
Just a small wallet photo...
But we are all smiling...
even Jake...
because Jake hardly ever smiles in pictures.
But it was just good
to be in such a loving position.
To know what belonging truly means.
I miss them already.
So much.
And I wish that when I wake up in the morning,
Dani will be on the bed with me,
And Sarah will be on the floor,
And Jonn will have Jakes bed,
And Jake will be on the couch,
ANd in just a few moments maybe
I will hear my dad make the coffee.
I left Reptile there.
I told Sarah
to tell mom
to send him to me.
I miss him too.
But its Bear Fest in Grants Pass...
So I"m not entirely surprised that he wanted to stay behind.
I keep thinking,
"If I just had one more day..."
But one more day would never be enough.
I saw my family every day for almost 21 years of my life
And now the visits are far inbetween,
And now I know a lifetime would never be enough to spend with my dad and mom and brother and sisters.
My nana and grandpa.
My beloved Bear.
My family.
It was such a wonderful visit and surpassed any expectation I would have placed on it. I am thankful that Jonn wanted me to see my family as much as I did...I love Jonn. And Jonn loves me. He is family.
Anyway,
I'm tired
Uberly.
Sleep well, dear ones.

fifty stars line the flag

i'm making cookies tomorrow night
for afi and apt
my two weeks notice is in.
i'm drinking a coca cola vanilla zero
maroon nails
thinking of home
missing him

feet sore
muscles worked
hair wet
legs shaved, lotioned
cleaned.
something corporate playing
looking six lines above
wondering what i meant by that
i had no idea i wrote that.

he never called.
the month mark passed
so i forgot
or so i thought i did.
pooh oh my untamable fingers
i want to move to london after
graduation
or back east.

i'm neither trendy
nor urban


i miss my poetic tree

Missing U; Like a Nipple is 8

Hi.
I enjoy Karine's writing style.
Kind of poetic.
Kind of not.
Just right.

I read in James tonight that worldly wisdom is demonic; that where there is selfish ambition and vain conceit comes every vile thing.
Anger.
Lack of peace.
Fights.
Stupidity.
I also read in James that hell itself sets the tongue on fire. HELL ITSELF! That's a pretty bad place...or so I hear. Furthermore, every bird, every reptile, every mammal, every creature on this earth can or has been tamed by man; but NO MAN CAN TAME THE TONGUE. "It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

I can blame my tongue.
But its my heart that is wicked.
And I can focus on how I'm such a selfish screw up...
But I won't.

God's strength is made perfect through my weakness.
I don't know how to explain that except that it must be grace.

In the words of Ashley Roberts, "I don't get it."

I'm beyond disappointed.
Beyond sorrowful.
Beyond feeling stupid.
An idiot.
A hopeless screw up.
I'm a dog that returns to its own vomit.
What a lovely image.

Is it bad that I'm barely hanging on because I want to believe in hope?
I believe in God.
I believe that HE is God.
I believe that God can work miracles.
I want to have hope that He can work one in me; He is the only one that can break this endless cycle...

"Clap your hands if you believe..."

i was reading job.
and i received a text message
from sir joshua.
and i kept reading.
it was that moment when i truly knew
that God is number one in my life.
two people in my class are in jail like situations
right now.
my mom reminded me of the time when i ran away to
lynnzis house today
and my cheeks blushed with the stupidity of my former me

i found this wonderful verse in job

it almost reads like a fortune cookie

Behold, happy is the man whom
God Corrects
Therefore do not despise the chastening of the
Almight

job 5 17


ps- jamie and i are going to see tranformers tomorrow night.
a whoot whoot

My Immortal Beloved Roses...

are still alive.
How long has it been?
Almost 2 weeks, right?

Still pink.
A little droopy but soft.
They're drinking all of their water...

I love my roses.
They smell pretty.
And make me smile everytime I look at them.

Oh, roses,
you are good company.

sweet dreams, fragile ones.

Oh, Mike...

I came home from work tonight...tired. Tired would be an understatement. I am reminded that yes, I did sleep a minimum of 6 hours last night. That is a supremely amount compared to the shut eye that Karine or Jonn receives. And still I complain of how tired I am...wah, wah, wah. What say you, Jamie Lyn of Olympian Court?

Nothing. Just that I slept through all three of my alarms this morning. And 5 o'clock came all too late. I clocked out promptly at 5:02 (goodness gracious, David will have a fit over those 2 minutes of overtime), came home, decided, "I want something to drink. A bever-age [bever-raaahhge]." So, I went to Albertsons, bought a 6 pack of Mikes hard lemonade, drank 3, and felt pretty good.

As a result, I have not seen Alexander or even heard from him. Word on the street is that he went to Austrailia to test his mothers theory that there are bad days even there. Horrible-no-good-very-bad-days tend to live anywhere the sun shines. Except in Antarctica. Only Polar bears live in Antarctica...and they don't have horrible-no-good...well, you get the point. But if YOU went there, well, no doubt a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day would follow. Polar bears are the only mammals who hunt humans, you know. And if you are there, a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day is sure to happen. They tend to be needy...creatures. So if a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day follows you to Antarctica, I wonder how that would effect the Polar bears? Then they would have a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. And I wonder what the looks like for them? Perhaps, since you are there, they would cultivate their appetite for human blood until they eat you and your family/friends to extinction. And then they, abusing human substance, would become irriatable creatures, not being able to have their human fix, and then they would suffer from a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. So all in all, you should not go to Antarctica. For the Polar bears sake, for heavens...sake.

I don't really miss Alexander. Supposedly, he is to send me a postcard. That is if the Polar bears don't eat him first (there are no Polar bears in Australia...are there?) I guess we have both moved on...I should say I have made further progress than him. Why, HE is in Australia, just asking for a horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. Although they have threatened me, I have not succumbed to their wiles. I have remained strong, fixed on my goal. Which is...ask me tomorrow. I'm too tired to think right now. But not too tired where I lose my focus. I have learned to keep my eyes open for those horribly needy creatures of what we call a "bad day." There was one today, hiding behind a tiny tree in the Barnes and Noble parking lot after work today. I kept my eye on him while I talked to Jonn on the phone...the creature finally realized I was not going to budge and then he left...his scaly tail between his legs, his notably pointy ears flat on his bumpy head. This one was large in size...I have met many of many different sizes...so don't be surprised if they come in different packages. The larger ones always seem more intimidating, but honestly, if you just tell them off, they are sure to leave. And don't allow yourself to be affected...effected...by their rotten spinach flavored breath. That's just a scare tactic and as soon as they realize they are being ignored, they stop wasting their time and just walk away, ready to pounce on some other unfortunate, uniformed human. Or what they deem to be so...

Anyway...Alexander. Postcard. If it doesn't come by tomorrow, I'll let you know...eventually. I love Alexander and all, but I have to take care of my day to make sure that it is not threatened by horrible-no-good-very-bad-day-its. It's hard work, you know...much to hard and time consuming to be worried about an international post-card. Besides, I'm sure Alexander is fine and having a wonderful time...

But of course we can't forget...
Bad days happen everywhere.
Even in Austrailia

.

i think tears would help
they would turn the day to night
and the night to sleep.

Summer Feeling

The day was uneventful (except for the firemen who came to the house to pick up the gas spill)
and hot.
A dry morbid heat...it reminded me of western movies and desert scenes.
I was disgusted by the heat.
More so by the sweat that literally poured down my arms and my face. I held up my hands like a dog holds up his paws as if to plead, "don't touch me."
It was the only reminder of summer...today.
But tonight...
tonight was beautiful, though still slightly warm.
I was on my way home in Jonn's white work pick-up truck.
Summer hit me then in the most pleasant of ways.
Maybe because it was still light outside at 930ish.
The horizon still glowed from the light of the sun...a sweet and subtle glow that reminded me of country times.
Add to that the sound of the ball game on the radio. The crowd was euphoric over a home-run that Kemp hit out of the park...a distance of a football field and a half, according to Jonn.
Driving by the Outback restaurant, I shouted, "BBQ!"
And it was summer.
All of a sudden,
in one quick motion,
without missing a beat,
summer came to me.
I'm excited about Oregon.
Very much so.
The highlight of my summer will be Oregon.
And family.
And trees.
And deer walking across the road.

thoughts before bed

before i fall asleep
things chase in my mind
money
always money
can i afford this?
is my pain worth this?
my job is ick man
ick.
for the past three days i've been alone at work
no lunch break
nothing
hey, yeah. thats illegal
but people need to eat.
(but wait.... so do i...)
i have decided to quit before i go home
i can't handle anymore
so i decided in addition to more terryberry this fall
i will babysit
but she wants me 3-6 everyday
no. i can't
i will email her in the morning
take out a loan says dad.
we can do it
dont over load yourself
okay i say
instantly i worry
but money
but food?
will i be able to afford two ply tissue paper?
can i buy kleenex?
what if i need something?
i'm a believer in doing things yourself.
because people normally dont see your vision
dont care about what you care about
and blah blah
so the fact of not working more than 8 hours a week scares me
but then again i'll be interning
the truth of the matter is i hate downtime
it scares me
my thoughts terrify me
when i'm running around on the floor
i dont think about him
that i'm still waiting for him to call me tomorrow
when i'm asking if you need ketchup or tabasco
i dont worry about the future
give it to God.
its all i can do.
stressing out wont change anything
he'll call if its meant to be
do i want another josh?
no.
my future
God holds
i dont.
when my feet hurt
God give me pedicures
well
kinda.
he provides them maybe.
the hotel opened on may 17th
and today
i saw my first family pray before eating.
Right now, as lame as this thought sounds
I'd like to draw God a picture
to put on His refrigerator just to show Him
that i appreciate Him. Maybe just maybe, it would look
like a twilight. It would capture the beauty He created.
or if i didn't
He knows.
its a twilight.

Heart to Heart

"It has been a horrible, no good, very bad day," Alexander says.

Yes, Alexander. It has. But life will be full of bad days for you. Sometimes the bad days will pile up on each other so that every today is a horrible, no good, very bad day. Or at least it will seem that way. Sometimes when you're having a horrible, no good, very bad day, the little bothersome things that usually wouldn't be so bothersome are held under a magnifying glass so that you see every imperfection of your otherwise pretty good day. That's just how things are, Alexander. Sometimes you get paper cuts on top of your sunburns. Sometimes after you've enjoyed a piece of cake (that ends up giving you a stomach ache) you sit on the plate and get purple frosting all over your bottom. Sometimes your night-light burns out after you've had a scary confrontation with your imagination. Sometimes your mom doesn't hear you say "I love you" after you've already felt so rejected by the world. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means she didn't hear you and you should say it louder the second time. And its ok, Alexander. There are bad days everywhere. Even in Australia.

Alexander and I took a walk together today. Neither one of us said a word as we were both lost in our own misery. He clutched his broken teddy bear and I used my purse as my security blanket. His hair was mussed after a fitful and restless nap and my eyes were red and puffy and lifeless. I had cried away my eye make-up and I didn't care. I just grabbed my purse, mumbled a few words to Alexander to let's get going and then trudged off to work. My mission was to get through the evening without a single shard of emotion. Alexander stayed with me while I scanned and put away books. Neither one of us said a word. He absentmindedly followed me around; his right hand holding his blanket close and his left thumb finding a permanent place in his mouth. We looked quite the pair. In the 15 minutes that it took me to drive to work, I had concluded that maybe I wasn't supposed to be happy. Maybe the things that I want really don't matter, no matter how large or small they are. And I was fully convinced. I lost my internship (you know the one that I hoped would play a significant role in the the development of my solid future?) Yeah. That one. Twice I planned to visit family. Twice my plans failed. I haven't seen Danielle since December, people. DECEMBER! I hit my best friends car. My dad gave me some more of my own bills to pay (how generous of him...but hey, its part of growing up). It's just that everything went wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And I went to work feeling like a bumbling idiot. Completely frustrated and annoyed with myself. For awhile, I actually thought (and this is SO prideful), I absolutely was convinced that I DESERVE to be happy. HAPPY! Such a frivalous word. I thought that my topsy turvy feelings actually mattered.

But they don't
Not a bit.

I've always had this...tendency...to compare my life with others. And I always felt like the one coming up with the short end of the stick. From my looks to my life and all the inbetween. My breasts. My weight. My choice of style...it never did match up to yours. Boyfriends. Why can't I have that gift? That's the big one. Why can't I be like him? Why can't I be like her? Why can't I have that job opportunity? I'm just like any other kid. I want to make my parents proud. And I had all of these plans. And things were starting to look bright. I have so much to be thankful for. So much compared to other people. And still I complain because I don't FEEL HAPPY. Anyway...but the plans...the plans didn't work out. And I'm sitting here in a home that is not my own, in a city where I have 2 best friends (but that is more than what some people may have, right?) and I feel so...worthless. I really do. I feel like such a failure, you know? I feel like my life is so redundantly commonplace...something I never wanted it to be. But here I am. Completely humbled. Totally stripped of EVERYTHING I had placed faith in. And I'm left with me. And you are left with me. And I've come to realize that maybe I am not meant for great things. Maybe I'm just a...a janitor. And the dazzling production does not depend on me in any significant way. At least not now it doesn't. And I need to be ok knowing that it may never depend on me. I just hope that its ok with you. I look at my situation and I have only 2 options.

1. Complain
2. Be thankful

I'm opting for number 2. God knows it isn't easy for me. I want to be spectacular. I want to leave my mark on this world. I want a book to have my name on it. But maybe God has other plans for me. Like right now...His plans are for me NOT to have an internship with NBC. His plans for me are NOT to have breasts. His plans are for me NOT to have a home at the moment. His plans were for me NOT to visit family when I wanted to visit family. His plans are NOT for me to hear back from the youth pastor about becoming involved in the church. Why? I don't know. But right now he has me here. In a home that is not my own, in a city vastly unfamiliar to me, with no internship and a semi-decent job at Barnes and Noble. His plans are for me to help out the family I live with by watching their little girl and maybe helping out in his law office. His plans are for me to take care of myself and things that He has given me. His plans are for me to make sure my room is tidy and that Alina's water bottle is full. His plans are for me to shelve books and smile at customers who seem kind of cranky, to answer questions (both Biblical and work related) questions that customers and co-works alike may pose. And I think I can be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. I want to be GOOD with that. And I think I'm getting there. Chuck said that life is full of different seasons. I told him that I am so used to being involved and active. He said that maybe I'm not supposed to be a feeder right now but maybe I'm just supposed to feed. He said I need to be thankful for this time in which I am not really busy to really take advantage of that and grow deeper in my relationship with God. Chuck said that maybe God is watching to see how wisely I spend the time He has given me. God is watching to see how faithful I am with the small things. He said to be thankful and to stop freting and just rest in the freedom that Christ has given me. You know, it's so easy to manage time wisely when you're so involved and active. It's so easy to decide to live for Christ when you know you have people watching you. But it's in the every day acts, the every day thinking, that really determines what is in your heart. I feel so stupid for being so selfish. For being so prideful. I hope you aren't disappointed in me for not having an eventful life. :) I hope you don't see me as commonplace. It's just that this is where I am right now. This is my season. And as broken as I feel right now, at this very moment, I don't feel so much like an aimless wanderer. YHWH has shown me my place...and rightly so.

You see, Alexander, some bad days can turn to be good days. Just because you may feel bad doesn't mean that things are bad. Maybe you just need to learn a lesson that you would have never understood unless you had a horrible, no good, very bad day...or several of them.

♥

i have many comfortable things back home
i have my airport
i have my cat
i have my mom
i have my dad
i have my sky filled with stars
i have the long drive through the valley
but not here
here i have angry drivers
and huge parking garages
i have smog
and early morning wakeups
i have pants that hide my bellybutton
and a shirt that i can swim in
but grumbling helps nothing
whining wont make him call
complaining wont cook my dinner

consider it all joy.....

Prescription Drugs

I heard this song...and these are the words...and this is how I feel. But I don't feel like I'm in such despair anymore. I feel hope because God is always there, no matter where there is. I thank my God for being so gracious to me, so patient and loving, and for reminding me of the peace that is found when resting in Him.

Hugs.
Not drugs.
Jesus gave me a hug...
He has a way of knowing exactly when I need one.

You Alone by Casting Pearls:

"I've come to Your throne here so cold and alone
I'm calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide
and I cry Lord take me away
Take this heavy heart
and this weary soul and set them free
Remove myself till there's nothing left but You alone in me
I'm letting go of all that I know
I'm holding on to You alone
I lay it all down down here at Your feet
I want You alone
You alone
If I go to the heavens above
Lord I know You are there
If I make my bed in the depths
lord I know You are there
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
or settle on the far side of the sea
Even still Lord I know You will,
You will always be there with me"

Direction

I headed west on the 210 this evening and watched the sun
just before it went to bed over the mountains.
It was blazing orange and whipped clouds of gold surrounded its sphere.
I felt like I was driving closer to it and soon I would arrive.
But there was no fear of my face melting away,
or of my eyebrows falling off...
I felt like I had a destination.
A swarm of black birds appeared in the corner of my eye...
They dove and whipped around in one motion,
completely in sync with each other.
I envied the roles that they played.
I asked to join them,
but I guess they didn't hear me.
So I kept on driving.
Pretending I had a destination,
Pretending I had somewhere to go...
Pretending I knew how to get there.

mommy is here to take care of me

tears come easy these days
naps are high on my most wanted list
i sat today at work and watched the ice
melted by hot water.
fascinated

Happy Birthday, Alina

I like what Karine said...about crumbling up her bad day and throwing it away.
Today will be a good day, yes.
A better day, yes, better than yesterday.
Better than the day before, yes.
Maybe it will be a naked feet in the park kind of day.

And the sun and I will resume conversation.
And the wind will tease me, just a bit...
because it doesn't like it when I cry.
And what else?
I will leave my imprint in the grass,
So it knows to save my spot.
Because I might have to leave to use the restroom...
or something.

And then I will go to Wal Mart...
and buy
lotion
razor blades
and other...
things.
Spongebob...
Or Patrick...
and sticks of dynamite.

And then I will go to Klubb 23.
K-because its cooler than c
L-because that's the next letter...
U-and so on.
BB-bear and bear
23- That's the apartment Bear lives in.

And we'll watch the ball game.
And eat spaghetti.
And he'll ask about my day,
and how I am doing,
and I will respond accordingly.

And that's that.

No more bad days.
No more tears.

goodbye stupid sophie

jamie wrote a blog about yesterday
explaining what a crappy day it was
we have different reasons for it
yet one collision unified us
however i do not want to write a blog about
yesterday
i want to take an angry black ballpoint
and scribble in a tumbleweed circle
until the paper begins to rip
then crumble up my angry day
and throw it away
but the day is over and gone
and i finished sophie's world today
that is over and gone

Life is a Bitch

Office Space. If you ever need a laugh, just watch Office Space. I wonder where my copy is...

I could use a laugh.

A real laugh.

A feel it from the tummy all the way to the toes laugh...

A see it burst through my eyes laugh...

So that it shreds any image of sadness that may reside there.

But I don't have Office Space.

And I don't have a laugh.

And I don't have you...
because I bet you could make me laugh.

I have Smirnoff.
Planned camping trips with Jess.
A smile from Lacy stuck in my short-term memory box
(because I just saw her today).
I have measurements...
bust.
waist.
shoulder to waist.
waist to knee.
I have my bestie.
I have my Bear.
(such a good bear)
I have 4 big pillows on my bed,
Accompanied by Reptile and the rest of the clan...
...............................
..................
..........
...............................but............................

I also have...

A wrecked light.
An ugly scrape.
I have...
To pay for the damage I did to Karines car.
(she says it will work out)
I have...
To think about spring of 09 and how dad is cutting me loose.
I have...
To take out a loan.
Eventually...
eventually being soon.
I have...
A minimum wage job and an unpaid internship.

And I feel like I take, take, take...
But I never give.
I never give enough.
Or I don't give at all...
And that bothers me.
Would you like the money in my wallet?
I'd give it to you in a heartbeat.
Would you like Mr.Smiley to cry on?
He's yours.
Would you like my last yellow number 2?
I'd be giving much more than a pencil...
But you wouldn't know it.
And I would give it, I WOULD!
I don't have anything...
And if I did, I would give it to you, I would, I would, I would...
I just have my bigger than life dreams,
And my little-er dreams.
I have paper.
And lead
(unless I give that to you)
But those things are worthless.
Tawdry.
They won't take me anywhere,
They won't accomplish anything...

They don't help me now...
So what am I doing with them?
I keep them close.
I hold on.
Because I want to believe that they will take me somewhere, someday.
I need to believe that.
I need to believe that everything will work out,
That everything will be okay.
They're my costume wings that I put on every morning.
And even though they aren't real,
And I cannot fly...
I keep them because I want to believe that someday I will...

I have...
to trust that God will provide everything.
I'm not ready for life just yet.
But it doesn't really care about that.
It's coming anyway.

But maybe if I close my eyes right now and go to sleep...I can get away from it. For a few hours. And maybe tomorrow, after I've had some cereal and coffee, the sun won't blind me so much, and the wave won't seem so devestating...maybe. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe.

But Alexander knows...Alexander knows that there are bad days everywhere...
even in Australia.

black socks

i have many thoughts running through my head.
however
i dont feel like sharing them.
whoo hoo for bottling emotions!
rock on.

pictures

i'm happy at twilight
i can't get my self to go to bed now
as much as my body is begging me
i'm captivated by the mystical time of
now
its like the changing of the guards
night and day mingle
and switch
when the first star appears
i fall silent
and my eyes light up
like a little girl
getting a pony
i dont know why
i forget everything
i want to dabble my pudgy fingers
in finger paint
and pretend i can capture the beauty of this
time
a little blue
a little red
light purple
but it wont
it wont catch anything
i'm too old to have people look at my
pictures and guess what they hold
so i can't
much like the tree that needs a poem
off san fernando road
my twilights need a painting

The Dirt is Worth the Beauty of Naked Feet

I ran through the grass today.
In naked feet.
And the small of my back was moist with sweat and delight...
Delight over a baseball glove and a silly bear named Boo.
I could feel the bridge of my nose becoming red from the weight of my too-big-for-my-face sunglasses...
But still I smiled.
And Jonn said I looked gorgeous...
Standing there in my forest green Mt. Gilead shirt,
Draped in memories,
Wearing my Tom Sawyer pants,
Holding a heavy wooden baseball bat,
And trying desperately hard to keep my back foot planted...
To no avail.
I felt small.
And insignificant...
But for once that felt like a good thing...
I wasn't important.
I wasn't needed.
I wasn't pressured.
I wasn't in a charade of tea cakes and halos.
I was just a girl,
Playing catch with a boy,
And it didn't matter that my toes became dirty,
Or that my make-up was smearing beneath my eyes.
The world zoomed out.
And I zoomed in on what what I want in life.
I want gloves,
And baseball bats,
And recently budded flowers,
And sunshine every morning,
And grass...
I want to learn how to savor these little things so that when the fog drifts in and refuses to lift,
When the robin is absent from its perch,
When I've rubbed Black off of Reptile and I can no longer smell Bear,
I want to still see beauty,
And the joy that is found in life...
I want to smile at the future.
Of course, that is only a bit of what I want. Just a glimpse. But I don't want much...or maybe I do. I don't know.

It doesn't matter where we are...what matters is that we are there. Strategically placed. Cliche? Yes. True? Without a doubt. My hope, my prayer (yes, I do pray occasionally) is that we will learn to keep our hearts content and to not pine for what we do not have, to not look back on yesterday and wish that things could be the same. Because no matter how much we hope, things won't be the same. And we can either cry about it...or we can seize the day and all that God has placed there. Why chew on stale substance when we can feel the juice of fresh straw'bries dripping off of our hungry chins today...TODAY...right now we have the sweet sensation of summer's goodness...savor it. It's what its here for.

I feel lost sometimes too. But maybe we aren't lost. Maybe we're just adventuring and we've never had to use a compass before today. But that's ok. We learn to step ahead. We learn to build shopping malls out of toothpicks. We learn the new things until those things become...every day (yet uncommonplace things). We're experiencing...and sometimes its a trial and error process...but the important thing is that we learn. And maybe no one does understand...maybe there is no one at the moment who can truly sympathize with what is going on in our lives...but why should that stop us from really living? It's just a step. And we'll make it. And conquer the next foot in front of us just like we did the last.

This in-between time is only a fragment of our lives. Yet perhaps maybe the most difficult. That awkward place of being torn between lives that we once lived and lives that we live now. We're growing up. And moving on...moving out...and trying desperately hard to carve out a place for ourselves in this big, big world. But we will make it. We have to believe that and take hold of it.

Be encouraged, my friends...
Some things in life do remain a constant
(the love of friends, for example...the ever present grace of God for another...)

Sleep well.
Dream sweetly.
Know you are loved.

quien?

twenty minutes till bedtime
in this strange world i live in
in bed by 8
up by 330
do you understand this strange world i live in
five days aweek

i went to church tonight
first time in a month.
it felt good
like home
and it wasn't even my regular church

i'm still waiting for a phone call
he said he'd call me the next day
and i'm still waiting

i need patience in this matter
patience to wait for him to call
to callme
it will be worth it
i need patience so bad right now

tofu is cheap at trader joe's 99Cents
my mom comes down thursday
nancy drew comes out friday
and when will
my phone call come?

i see jamie shaking her head
ten minutes now

i'm afraid i'm putting on my 'i'm alright face'
because i'm afraid
i'm starting to think
'no one knows what i'm going through'
but i dont know what i'm going through
oh dear.
darn complicated females


ring phone
ring

aimee- tell Emily i Said YO.

Oh My Soul

I am not sure where to begin
I have the desire to pour out my heart but I find myself unsure of where it is

I read the words posted on this wonderful blog
words of love
and encouragement
I cry

Im not sure why
I cry because I miss Aimee
I haven't seen her in God knows how long
and yet her prayers hit home
hit the soft spot

I cry because I miss my Baby
she is hurting and i dont even know why
and I cant give her a hug
i cant tell her things are going to be okay
But Baby they will
God loves you so much it hurts my head to think about it

I hate how cliche God has become
even me saying a simple truth like that so often is said
heard
agreed to
and just as quickly forgotten

BUT GOD LOVES YOU
ALL

Thought transition...

Thomas is in India
it is weird that he is so far away
i miss him
He is my encouragement and convicter
God has used him in powerful ways and I stand in awe of how much Jesus blesses us

I long for the past

I visit Willits but its not the same
I am happy with how much I have grown
but I think back on my life
on the happiness I have experienced and i am grieved
i dont know why
Really there isnt much in my past i want to go back to
friends
I miss friends
I miss close friendships
people you can cry with
laugh with about stupid things until you cry
I cry because i miss that

My tears are seen by no one but God
I began to read the blog in the living room
but moved into my room because i could not stop the tears
and i feared my dad walking in and seeing me

In a way i fell stranded in Santa Rosa
no friends

I start work tomorrow
that will be interesting
but it will fill the hours

I wanted to go to church today
but my dad went to the early service without me
i was really upset
still am
but trying to forgive him

so instead i listened to a sermon by Bill Johnson
my brother introduced me to him and his messages are powerful
the Holy Spirit is always present

I miss my girls
I miss people who know me
I find myself searching for my identity that I know I will find in Christ
and yet
I dont know myself

I love you all
you are in my prayers
The peace of God be on you all
right now...

My Lazy Eye

It wasn't the first first time of a very long time...
but it was a first time in a very long time,
That I opened up my Bible today.
My Bible.
My food.
I read Proverbs 8...and flipped to Joshua 1 to make sure I gave Jonn the right verse.
I felt remorse over neglecting God.
So I gave Him time today...not because I felt guilty or ashamed but because I genuinely wanted to give Him a few moments.
And I asked Him...I said, "God, does your grace even reach this far?" And something in the song, some words that were sung at the exact moment, answered my question,
answered my disguised fear...
"Yes."
And walls were lifted...
And sacrifices offered...
Difficult decisions decided
(I guess that's why they're called sacrifices...)

***
Life is at a standstill right now. The internship is on hold (please, Dr. Simons, work quickly!) Willits is...a pleasant thought. But a thought is what it remains. I'm here...comfortably though, sitting on Karines bed, waiting for her to get ready so we can go to ice-cream with Jordan (my future roomie.) And I honestly wonder why God has blessed me as much as He has...why? I'm such a sinner..."blood flown freely down..."

I'm thankful for Aimee...and her thoughts...and how we haven't seen or talked to each other in SO long but...that doesn't seem to matter. There is a bond between us Willits girls, a bond that time or circumstances will have no negative effect on. And I'm thankful for bonds such as these...and for the pink erasers on yellow number 2 pencils.

***

I opened my journal today. "I will write, " I said to myself. "I will write..." What? Hmm...I pondered some more...and some more...and finally...
I pondered some more.
Satisfied by my pondering, I set aside my yellow number 2 and pondered some more. Dr. Simons says to get your thoughts on paper...otherwise they mean nothing. But I didn't like my thoughts. I didn't like where they were going. And I wanted no record of them. They weren't necessarily bad...but they weren't anything I wanted written down. "Those ones are mine, "I said to myself, "And not even my journal can have them!"

Poor journal...
neglected for so long
much like my Bible.

And so today...another entry lost to my rational thinking.

Perhaps tomorrow I will try again...
or tonight when I come "home" after going out to ice-cream.
We will see.

Life is hard...
yes.
Life is hard.
But I get ice-cream...and not many people can say that they were able to have ice-cream.
So despite life's difficulites at the moment,
I will be thankful.
For ice-cream.
For you.
Yes...you.
You are special.
Never forget it.

a prayer

I love this journal. I soak it in
drink down your words
and smile for you
and hurt for you
and mull over life some more.
So now I will write
I will pour the tea, or lemonade
or whatever flavor this is..

I read some of God's word
for the first time in too long, this morning was just
2 weeks late
Proverbs something said
without a talebearer,
strife ceases like a fire without wood.
I think my own journals are talebearers,
whispering out of the past
kindling me
and I whisper to them of today and my heart
perpetuates the dark.

Mother Teresa was
a woman without any darkness,
said the voice in the interview.


No secrets.
Open book.
I will stop cohorting with myself
because I need something more,
because my eyes are tired of the dark
I AM SICK OF IT
and the light is glorious!!


I have been praying for each of you--
right now I am
I lift up Eileen to you God, open her eyes to places you want her to go
and take away anxiety, fear, for you light up every place
and nothing is too hard for you.
And Talisha, bring her into your presence, send encouraging words
and bring laughter; search her heart,
prune the things you know she doesn't need
and so refresh her with life and growth and flourishing.
And Karine, hold her close to you
may she abide
just abide
like you did Jesus--and let her know you are God
she came from you
is loved by you
and goes to you in your glory.
Like a branch shooting out from a vine,
send her out into a hurt and weakened world.
Give Jaime a burden on her heart
for the lost
the hungry
the poor
and lonely;
give her a body that moves behind her
good friends with love and intimacy
so she can move further as part of the body of Christ.

This is what we are.
I thank you for these sisters,
for tying our hearts together.
God, thank you! For loving us!

ps read psalm 139

purple rain

he hasn't called
i dont think he's going to

the process of forgetting him
begins again..........

where new music starts

Jenna from work came over yesterday
and ricky was supposed to call and we all were supposed to hang
out
it was almost four
and my phone
rang
it was him
i deleted him from my life a week today
good bye his phone number
i thought as i sat at the arclight
last week it had been three weeks since
i heard from him
andrea at work asked me about my love life
and i told her about my little crush on this boy
i told her i had forgot about him
cleaned him off my white board
andrea asked what i would do if he called again
i said he wouldn't


he did

we talked for 1.5 hours
he told me how crazy his life has been
crazy
crazy
crazy
he said he will call me today
but i dont want to get my hopes up

STOP AND READ!

So I was sitting in my living room
playing on my computer
stoked that we finally have wireless
when it occurred to me that i had not visited the blog since i was at Biola

So I checked it
and found I was not that only one

Time is scary
the most scary part is how precious it is
What is it we are doing with our time?

Me
I have sat around doing nothing!
watching movies and TV shows online
I might take some time and give it God
Ha what a joke
God gives us the time
it is because of him that we are able to wake up each day
to sunshine
or annoying alarm clocks
It is by his Grace!

And yet we treat it like it is ours
dont let life pass you by
how cliche
but how true

My Willits girls dont get wrapped up in the crazyness of the world
stop and be still before God
slow down
slow your breathing
your heart rate
turn off your phone
close your door
and be alone with God

This world full of noise
drowns out the gentle voice of God
Dont pass HIM by

I am guilty of this
I pass him by with my eyes on myself
I find reasons not to read my Bible
not to pray
and when i am flooded with conviction...
I justify
Why do we feel the need to do that?

I AM A SINNER
I AM VAIN
I AM SELFISH
I AM JUDGMENTAL
I DISGRACE GOD BY HATING HIS CREATION
BY HOLDING ANGER...EVEN AGAINST MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM NEEDY
I AM A CHILD OF GOD...

My lovelies do not forget what you are worth
Stop and remember what was done on the cross
Try once again to understand what was done that day

Think back to where you were a year ago
think of your life before you gave it up
See and remember all the GOOD God has done in your life
see the blessings
see the love
see that he is in fact doing a work in your life
even when it feels like he is a lifetime away

You are saved
your salvation can not be taken from you
Jesus loves you
why else would he have gone through the pain and humiliation?

like worn in shoes

hello blog,
I've missed you much.
And happy June to you.
He never called.
I deleted his number from my phone on

Wednesday

I met a man today who goes to Copperhill
I miss Copperhill,
I havent gone
because Work sucks up my life

I get to see Jamie today
two days in a row.
a yip and a yap
im happy

Group Hug

Around 7:27 am, just before my alarm goes off, is my favorite part of the morning. I turn over on my side only to have the sun boistrously wish me a good morning as it pours through the window to kiss my ears, and my nose, and my lips. And I always smile at 7:27am because...because its such a beautiful thing having the sun greet me in such an enthusiastic way. And I take great pleasure in the fact that it's always the sun that wakes me and not my alarm...well...at least it tries to wake me. I don't wake very easily...as some of you may know.

I had great plans for June 7-13th. I was going to go "home" back to Dub Town and visit Pine Mt, go to my speical spot and watch the pine trees grow taller; I was going to go to the creek and make leaf boats and send them sailing to greater adventures. I was going to see my familiar, I was going to hear my familiar and I was going to savor every bit of it, like plantains and black beans...and I was going to keep it with me until I can go back to familiar again.

But plans have changed.
Dani doesn't graduate until the 16th so I have to reschedule my time off and I probably will have little if no time in Willits. It was going to be my great adventure of the summer. I was so excited about going, about getting a fix of Willits injected into my blood stream...and it can't be anymore.

And then I hear the longing in Karine's words as she wrote her blog...and though I haven't seen her, I see the emptiness in Talisha's eyes...that sad look she has when no one understands, when she feels so alone and empty...and I can't be there for her. I'm here. In southern California...the land of sunglasses and fake tans. I'm 15 minutes away from Karine but we never have time to just be...310. And I wonder when we can have a group hug. When us Willits girls can get together (can we have a tea party without the monkey's?) I just miss you all so much...and I want us...more than anything...to be together again. I want us to partake of familiar...and walk together, embracing the unfamilar without fear constraining us. I want a group hug.

I love you, very much. And I long for simpler days...

I just long for you. Bring on life...as long as you are a part of it, I don't care.

Talisha, bite the pillow...even if you're crying while doing it.
Karine, take on life: your fears, your longings, with Wombat Combat.

Have a blessed day, girls...and lets all strive to be a little more like Aimee. :) The Proverbs 31 woman. :)

a hart to hart

Dear God,

I dont really want to be single anymore.
However, I know its not what I want.
Its been two weeks.
He hasn't called.
He's off the white board.
the last two years I've told myself in January
I'd have a Valentines Date.
Three years ago I had Ryan McCullough.
(blah on that one)
Jordan has dates all the time.
and i feel it has something to do with my weight.
those are my thoughts.
those are my fears.
and Talisha.
she's depressed again.
If You were a vending machine ( which you aren't)
I'd rather have her joyful right now
then have a date on friday night.

I apoligize

I must say sorry
I can not remember the last time i read our dear blog
I return to one full of beauty and pain
have you ever heard that superchick song?
Beauty from pain?
"And he will bring beauty from my pain..."
Amazing song... so true

My Willits girls I LOVE YOU ALL!!
reading your blogs it hit me
life is scary and things are changing

I am in my finals week
this morning i met with my prof to go over my paper
she said i looked comfortable, relaxed
unlike everyone else she had seen
i realized...yeah i am
not stressed, strange but so nice
i cant stop thinking about home...well santa rosa... my parents
seeing Karine for the small sweet time i get to

I made a new friend who reminds me of her
it makes me happy to be around her but deeply sad
cuz she isnt Karine
not my Karine who laughs and crys
whoes words are always so full of life
Why Baby do you have to stay so far from me this summer?

Willits is not going to be the same
i am glad i am not staying there
i miss it dearly but am sickened by it at the same time

HA HA
it seems so strange that i am coming off as calm
my heart feels like a whirl wind
i cant remember the last time i spent some quality time with the love of my life
Jesus
Yet he has never left my side

I like this guy
every day my fondness grows
and yet i have no idea what he thinks of me
i love the friendship that we are developing...
i dont want things to ackward
but it would just be nice to know

Bah i am done thinking about that
i keep going over in my mind how i am going to pack my car
i cant wait

unlike you i will not miss 243
there are some good memories in here
but my roommates dont come anywhere near the greatness of those from
310

Time is flying
no joke
reflect on what Jamie said
smell a rose
become an Egyption princess for a day
stop and talk to the sun
close your eyes and breath
slow down
love people
bless people
praise God
pray
live life like Jesus is coming tomorrow

I LOVE YOU ALL
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU
AND MAY HE KEEP YOU
AND MAY HIS FACE SHINE UPON YOU

all of these bastards have taken his place, he's forgotten but not yet gone

goodmorning sun
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt
do you want a coke?
maybe some fries?

I feel off.
like the world is at a tilt
and no one told me.
everyone has adjusted and is walking fine
but karine, darling, is a-trippin and a-fallin
this last week has been nasty.

its seems like nothing has gone my way.
I hit finals week running
then took my last final, started a new job, and moved in to a new apartment
in one
day.
now i'm getting up at 350am for work, i work till 130, waitressing
my car was hit twice last week.
in the stupid parking structure
total estimate-$2,000
whoops.
the internet cable wont work on my computer
or i can't get it to.
so i 'borrow' someone's wireless
i found out my DS was done completley
wrong
and i have to re-do it
my mom yelled at me yesterday
because she and my dad got in a fight
in which they questioned their marriage

homefeelssofaraway

talisha needs a hug
i can't give her one
mallori has a new boyfriend
i haven't met him
jamie is in the same town
but i haven't seen her in a few days
eileen is coming up friday
i will see her
willits has $5 afternoon movies
willits has my airport
my stars
my place for clarity
this town has none of that.
i have the strangest fear that i wont go back to school
that i will waitress till some man finds me cute enough
to slap a ring on
why am i worried about that?
i dont know.
school is where i will be.
mark my words blog
mark them
underline them
italic-ic them
bold them proper

i texted him
and he never wrote back....
praise the lord for erasable markers......
i think i just want a hug now.
i think i want someone to pat me on the back
and tell me growning up is hard
but i'll survive.
why do i cry now?
why do the tears flow?
i dont have time to cry now.
my DS book stares at me
begging to be redone
my closet screams to be organized.
the kitchen floor needs to be mopped
laundry is running.
at 350 the alarm will yell at me
screaming for me to be responsible and get up
get to work
get to the real world
get
get
get
go
go
go
go
go
go
i'm scared.
can you see it in my eyes?

The Pretty Things

I wondered yesterday what gives a flower its smell. How can a rose smell so darn good? It really amazes me, and I wonder why it does, that nature can create something so beautiful. But then I remember Who is behind it all, Who designed it...Who made it work so perfectly well.

"Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree."

I'm thankful to live in such a beautiful area. I play in the backyard with Alina often. We hide beneath the apple trees and have conversations with rabbits. We run away from ogres and our Cinderella wonders, as she strolls across the deck or "stage", why her Prince Charming doesn't remember her anymore. The Egyptian princess and I gather fallen rose petals and throw them, at just the right moment, into the wind and we watch them dance away. Sometimes they are confetti, sometimes they are magical charms, other times the petals serve as a deadly poison. With Alina, anything can be everything. She has such a marvelous imagination and she is such a great actress for only being 3 years old...almost 4.

It is good to imagine a world outside of ones own. This world has too much trouble, too much worries that choke away the beauty. I think it would be beneficial to everyone if they each escaped, if only for a little bit, each day into the beauty that lies somewhere in their imagination. I wonder if people remember that they have an imagination. I wonder if they wonder about how flowers can smell so wonderful...or about the mysterious relationship between a tree and the sun. There is so much life around us, I wonder if we notice it? Do we even care to? In my eyes, it so necessary, at least for me, to put aside life for a moment...to just stop and look and really listen. I was lying in the grass a few days ago and Alina asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm talking with the sun." And she asked, "What is he saying?" And I told her that the sun thought it was a perfect day for people to enjoy life. And we lay in the grass together, the two of us, for a few moments before she asked me to play princess with her again. I think deep down, she's not only a princess, but a bohemian. Perhaps that is why we get along so well. She understands me, understands imagining...and the lengths I go to imagine, she dares me to imagine more. That little Egyptian princess is good for me.

For all of the man-made wonders that have been created, I can honestly and truly say that nothing is more beautiful than the way God designed a rose to smell so sweet.

I'm Only 21...

I've come to the conclusion that life, once again, is at a crossroad, a crossroad that I can't quite make out the street signs, my little google map would've been more helpful with pictures, pictures of what I was looking for. Of course that would be helpful for everything in life right? Pictures I mean, pictures of what or who we look for, what we are supposed to strive for. 'Here is your purpose' and then a picture. Life would be so easy. But it isn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to stay home in the safety of my parents' arms, although they miss me, I miss them, I could be back doing what I know, what I'm comfortable with, but I'm here, far away from all my comfort, all I know.

Half the important things in life that I've talked about I can't even remember. My body is giving up but I gave up on my body a long time ago. The excitement has worn down and I want nothing more than to be held...held tight, held lose, just held. I cry out that I'm trying, I really am, I'm trying so hard, and its true, I am trying, I'm trying so hard but there is no one who can see, there is no one to hear me or me to hear them. Sometimes you have to wonder why bother, why try. I want her passion, I want her dreams, I want her intelligence; if I had that I would be ok, I would survive.

white board

i know i said i would give you two weeks
but i'm not going to.
i think it would just be a waste
of those seven days.
i'm washing away my white board.
gone.
you are.

hop on

108.
half of that is 54.
how ever it just doesn't have the same ring as
310
or 155.
i was telling mia about my willits women
how much they meant to me
i miss her growling
i miss her silly outfits
( that she thought were cute)
i miss her smelly shoes
i miss her mess
i miss her mucho.
but she's downstairs
to hang out with me
just because we dont live together
doesn't mean the math changes
k310+j310= 310
always and forever

Living on the Crown of Olive Branches...

I am here.
No...not there.
Over here.
I moved out of 310, silly, and now live with a wonderful family.
I watch the Little Dragon during the day...
And we have fun being dragons together.

I miss 310. Not so much Hotchkiss.
Not so much the ants.
Not so much the stained carpet.
Not so much the hard blue plastic chairs (the only things that sat on them were books)
Not so much the space...or lack thereof.
But I miss the one across the room from me,
Watching her chat,
Watching her yak,
Watching her study,
All at once.
Watching her paint her nails seconds before she leaves the room,
Watching her go through Boo and Bos,
Frantically deciding what to wear.
I miss hearing the jingle of her keys as she approaches 310,
She's talking on the phone, as always, but soon she'll be in the room with me...
My Bitch.
I miss bikini parties
And trips to the store for pineapple juice.
I miss epsom salt,
And wombat combat.
I miss her tears,
Her giggles,
Her bursts of outrageous laughter.
She always made me feel like I had a home.
We went to Hea-ven together.
And now I sit here,
Upstairs in my own room,
With my own bed,
(imported from Egypt)
With my own dresser drawers (imported from Egypt)
With my own TWO nightstands (imported from Egypt)
With my own peace and quiet...(that just comes from being alone)
But I don't have 310.
My suitcases aren't even unpacked yet...I don't know what to do with the stuff.
I won't be here for long...
and then back in the bags and boxes they'll go.
I have 2 pictures up.
One of Dani and I...
The other of Sarah and I...
I may lay my head here,
I may have a key for awhile,
I may use the kitchen,
and the bathroom,
and the livingroom...
And it will be comfortable.
And safe.
But come August, it will all be gone.
No more stability.
And then once more in December...
More boxes to back but hopefully December means life...
when I'll hopefully have a place to call my own.
Where I can plant flowers (even just flower pots are nice)
Where I can cook
And clean my bathroom,
And water my house plants,
And feed my...fish?
When I can go shopping for food at Vons because they always have the best deals...
But for now,
I'm here.
Not in 310.
Not home.
Just here.
In a beautiful house,
With a beautiful family...
I'll love it while I can.

pink sleepingbags

tears tickle.
as they race down my nose
i become cross eyed to watch them
them in their little race
310 is half empty.
my stuff is cluttered in a corner
waiting for 108
the new apartment
ten people i would like with me now
ten little people to make my tears stop
tears, stop racing
stop falling down my face.
if i can control my arm
why can't i stop my tears?
stop tears
stop falling
goodbye 310.



side note- two weeks

j310

Sometimes in the movie,in the shows
people hold something
a trinket of somesort
then the camera pans
to the time this momento
brings them back to.
I look feverishly around my room
up down
left right
nothing
not one thing
can lock up and hold
all my memories
Jamie taught me so much this year
I had lived with my family
people who loved me
because the blood that flowed
through our veins was the same
but Jamie was different
I lived with my best friiend
the ideal situation
people warned us not to
you'll get too exclusive
you'll hate each other.
no. people. not true.
i love her more
i love her for wambat combat
i love her for her messes
i love her for her silly dressing
i lover her for her dancing
i love her for her lime green flip flops
we say to each other things wont change
but they will
this we had
our 310
was utopia
lock out the world and three cheers for epson salt
I'm not throwing you to the wolves
No
but never again
will we have what we had here
My hope
is when we make toasts at each others weddings
may 310 be brought up
may it bring tears
may it bring giggles
make it be part of the glue
that holds us together over time
i love you jamie lyn

Leaving My Heart...

in 310.

This has been a...sad day, I suppose. I started to pack this morning, all of my clothes are put away, for the most part, except for a few things in my closet, just enough to last me a few days before I leave. Karine went to IKEA today with her future roomies...I stayed here...she brought back a futon bed and some cute decorations for her bedroom. Her bedroom. Her apartment. I'm so excited for her! My buddy is growing up...and doing such a fine job of it.

I wonder when its my turn.
I wonder when someone arrives "grown up?"
I think life just constantly morphs...and you really don't arrive...you just travel. One has a destination of "grown up" but I wonder if one can actually get there?

I guess I'll never know. I'll just allow my body to feel age, to feel pain, to see years go by like they were going out of style...I"ll just allow this monster called life to slowly devour me until I am nothing more than a pile of ash. Cremate me, will you? I don't want to rot in the ground.

On a lighter note, school is officially out of session on Thursday. :) woot woot. I am looking forward to my time off, to going to Willits...I talked to my good friend Mr. Nord this morning. We talked about robbins and chemistry and gardens and cats named Chester and Lester. I will visit him when I go to Willits.

I am sleepy right now. I am supposed to meet Jonn at 73o at his apartment...that's still another hour or so...perhaps I will go to B&N and get some espresso to wake me up.

yeah for espresso.
yeah for you.
yeah for friends.
yeah for flowers.
yeah for second chances.
and third...
and fourth...

sorry john mayer i'm not waiting for the world to change

i like to cry
today i figured out why
the last few days
i have wanted to tear to come so badly
last night, when the stars were anything but my friends
last night, when the stars mocked at this little girl
trying to grow up
i wanted to cry
my friends, the stars, twinkled in laughing manner,
at my tired behavior, telling me I couldn't handle it all.
but the tears didn't come
or today when i got to afi
and no one was in the office
and i had to hike around campus
looking for someone with a key
the tears didn't come
sitting in my room
sitting next to the inevitable
the fact that I am leaving the
310-ness soon
i want to cry
but they haven't come.
crying to me,
crying is liberating
its like have the weight of the world like mud
on your face
then shutting your eyes
raising your hands
and opening them up to the rain
as the rain comes down
fresh
and pure
it washes all the mud away
and leaves me clean
refreshed
renewed.
thats why i like to cry