Heart to Heart

"It has been a horrible, no good, very bad day," Alexander says.

Yes, Alexander. It has. But life will be full of bad days for you. Sometimes the bad days will pile up on each other so that every today is a horrible, no good, very bad day. Or at least it will seem that way. Sometimes when you're having a horrible, no good, very bad day, the little bothersome things that usually wouldn't be so bothersome are held under a magnifying glass so that you see every imperfection of your otherwise pretty good day. That's just how things are, Alexander. Sometimes you get paper cuts on top of your sunburns. Sometimes after you've enjoyed a piece of cake (that ends up giving you a stomach ache) you sit on the plate and get purple frosting all over your bottom. Sometimes your night-light burns out after you've had a scary confrontation with your imagination. Sometimes your mom doesn't hear you say "I love you" after you've already felt so rejected by the world. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means she didn't hear you and you should say it louder the second time. And its ok, Alexander. There are bad days everywhere. Even in Australia.

Alexander and I took a walk together today. Neither one of us said a word as we were both lost in our own misery. He clutched his broken teddy bear and I used my purse as my security blanket. His hair was mussed after a fitful and restless nap and my eyes were red and puffy and lifeless. I had cried away my eye make-up and I didn't care. I just grabbed my purse, mumbled a few words to Alexander to let's get going and then trudged off to work. My mission was to get through the evening without a single shard of emotion. Alexander stayed with me while I scanned and put away books. Neither one of us said a word. He absentmindedly followed me around; his right hand holding his blanket close and his left thumb finding a permanent place in his mouth. We looked quite the pair. In the 15 minutes that it took me to drive to work, I had concluded that maybe I wasn't supposed to be happy. Maybe the things that I want really don't matter, no matter how large or small they are. And I was fully convinced. I lost my internship (you know the one that I hoped would play a significant role in the the development of my solid future?) Yeah. That one. Twice I planned to visit family. Twice my plans failed. I haven't seen Danielle since December, people. DECEMBER! I hit my best friends car. My dad gave me some more of my own bills to pay (how generous of him...but hey, its part of growing up). It's just that everything went wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And I went to work feeling like a bumbling idiot. Completely frustrated and annoyed with myself. For awhile, I actually thought (and this is SO prideful), I absolutely was convinced that I DESERVE to be happy. HAPPY! Such a frivalous word. I thought that my topsy turvy feelings actually mattered.

But they don't
Not a bit.

I've always had this...tendency...to compare my life with others. And I always felt like the one coming up with the short end of the stick. From my looks to my life and all the inbetween. My breasts. My weight. My choice of style...it never did match up to yours. Boyfriends. Why can't I have that gift? That's the big one. Why can't I be like him? Why can't I be like her? Why can't I have that job opportunity? I'm just like any other kid. I want to make my parents proud. And I had all of these plans. And things were starting to look bright. I have so much to be thankful for. So much compared to other people. And still I complain because I don't FEEL HAPPY. Anyway...but the plans...the plans didn't work out. And I'm sitting here in a home that is not my own, in a city where I have 2 best friends (but that is more than what some people may have, right?) and I feel so...worthless. I really do. I feel like such a failure, you know? I feel like my life is so redundantly commonplace...something I never wanted it to be. But here I am. Completely humbled. Totally stripped of EVERYTHING I had placed faith in. And I'm left with me. And you are left with me. And I've come to realize that maybe I am not meant for great things. Maybe I'm just a...a janitor. And the dazzling production does not depend on me in any significant way. At least not now it doesn't. And I need to be ok knowing that it may never depend on me. I just hope that its ok with you. I look at my situation and I have only 2 options.

1. Complain
2. Be thankful

I'm opting for number 2. God knows it isn't easy for me. I want to be spectacular. I want to leave my mark on this world. I want a book to have my name on it. But maybe God has other plans for me. Like right now...His plans are for me NOT to have an internship with NBC. His plans for me are NOT to have breasts. His plans are for me NOT to have a home at the moment. His plans were for me NOT to visit family when I wanted to visit family. His plans are NOT for me to hear back from the youth pastor about becoming involved in the church. Why? I don't know. But right now he has me here. In a home that is not my own, in a city vastly unfamiliar to me, with no internship and a semi-decent job at Barnes and Noble. His plans are for me to help out the family I live with by watching their little girl and maybe helping out in his law office. His plans are for me to take care of myself and things that He has given me. His plans are for me to make sure my room is tidy and that Alina's water bottle is full. His plans are for me to shelve books and smile at customers who seem kind of cranky, to answer questions (both Biblical and work related) questions that customers and co-works alike may pose. And I think I can be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. I want to be GOOD with that. And I think I'm getting there. Chuck said that life is full of different seasons. I told him that I am so used to being involved and active. He said that maybe I'm not supposed to be a feeder right now but maybe I'm just supposed to feed. He said I need to be thankful for this time in which I am not really busy to really take advantage of that and grow deeper in my relationship with God. Chuck said that maybe God is watching to see how wisely I spend the time He has given me. God is watching to see how faithful I am with the small things. He said to be thankful and to stop freting and just rest in the freedom that Christ has given me. You know, it's so easy to manage time wisely when you're so involved and active. It's so easy to decide to live for Christ when you know you have people watching you. But it's in the every day acts, the every day thinking, that really determines what is in your heart. I feel so stupid for being so selfish. For being so prideful. I hope you aren't disappointed in me for not having an eventful life. :) I hope you don't see me as commonplace. It's just that this is where I am right now. This is my season. And as broken as I feel right now, at this very moment, I don't feel so much like an aimless wanderer. YHWH has shown me my place...and rightly so.

You see, Alexander, some bad days can turn to be good days. Just because you may feel bad doesn't mean that things are bad. Maybe you just need to learn a lesson that you would have never understood unless you had a horrible, no good, very bad day...or several of them.