Heart to Heart

"It has been a horrible, no good, very bad day," Alexander says.

Yes, Alexander. It has. But life will be full of bad days for you. Sometimes the bad days will pile up on each other so that every today is a horrible, no good, very bad day. Or at least it will seem that way. Sometimes when you're having a horrible, no good, very bad day, the little bothersome things that usually wouldn't be so bothersome are held under a magnifying glass so that you see every imperfection of your otherwise pretty good day. That's just how things are, Alexander. Sometimes you get paper cuts on top of your sunburns. Sometimes after you've enjoyed a piece of cake (that ends up giving you a stomach ache) you sit on the plate and get purple frosting all over your bottom. Sometimes your night-light burns out after you've had a scary confrontation with your imagination. Sometimes your mom doesn't hear you say "I love you" after you've already felt so rejected by the world. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means she didn't hear you and you should say it louder the second time. And its ok, Alexander. There are bad days everywhere. Even in Australia.

Alexander and I took a walk together today. Neither one of us said a word as we were both lost in our own misery. He clutched his broken teddy bear and I used my purse as my security blanket. His hair was mussed after a fitful and restless nap and my eyes were red and puffy and lifeless. I had cried away my eye make-up and I didn't care. I just grabbed my purse, mumbled a few words to Alexander to let's get going and then trudged off to work. My mission was to get through the evening without a single shard of emotion. Alexander stayed with me while I scanned and put away books. Neither one of us said a word. He absentmindedly followed me around; his right hand holding his blanket close and his left thumb finding a permanent place in his mouth. We looked quite the pair. In the 15 minutes that it took me to drive to work, I had concluded that maybe I wasn't supposed to be happy. Maybe the things that I want really don't matter, no matter how large or small they are. And I was fully convinced. I lost my internship (you know the one that I hoped would play a significant role in the the development of my solid future?) Yeah. That one. Twice I planned to visit family. Twice my plans failed. I haven't seen Danielle since December, people. DECEMBER! I hit my best friends car. My dad gave me some more of my own bills to pay (how generous of him...but hey, its part of growing up). It's just that everything went wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And I went to work feeling like a bumbling idiot. Completely frustrated and annoyed with myself. For awhile, I actually thought (and this is SO prideful), I absolutely was convinced that I DESERVE to be happy. HAPPY! Such a frivalous word. I thought that my topsy turvy feelings actually mattered.

But they don't
Not a bit.

I've always had this...tendency...to compare my life with others. And I always felt like the one coming up with the short end of the stick. From my looks to my life and all the inbetween. My breasts. My weight. My choice of style...it never did match up to yours. Boyfriends. Why can't I have that gift? That's the big one. Why can't I be like him? Why can't I be like her? Why can't I have that job opportunity? I'm just like any other kid. I want to make my parents proud. And I had all of these plans. And things were starting to look bright. I have so much to be thankful for. So much compared to other people. And still I complain because I don't FEEL HAPPY. Anyway...but the plans...the plans didn't work out. And I'm sitting here in a home that is not my own, in a city where I have 2 best friends (but that is more than what some people may have, right?) and I feel so...worthless. I really do. I feel like such a failure, you know? I feel like my life is so redundantly commonplace...something I never wanted it to be. But here I am. Completely humbled. Totally stripped of EVERYTHING I had placed faith in. And I'm left with me. And you are left with me. And I've come to realize that maybe I am not meant for great things. Maybe I'm just a...a janitor. And the dazzling production does not depend on me in any significant way. At least not now it doesn't. And I need to be ok knowing that it may never depend on me. I just hope that its ok with you. I look at my situation and I have only 2 options.

1. Complain
2. Be thankful

I'm opting for number 2. God knows it isn't easy for me. I want to be spectacular. I want to leave my mark on this world. I want a book to have my name on it. But maybe God has other plans for me. Like right now...His plans are for me NOT to have an internship with NBC. His plans for me are NOT to have breasts. His plans are for me NOT to have a home at the moment. His plans were for me NOT to visit family when I wanted to visit family. His plans are NOT for me to hear back from the youth pastor about becoming involved in the church. Why? I don't know. But right now he has me here. In a home that is not my own, in a city vastly unfamiliar to me, with no internship and a semi-decent job at Barnes and Noble. His plans are for me to help out the family I live with by watching their little girl and maybe helping out in his law office. His plans are for me to take care of myself and things that He has given me. His plans are for me to make sure my room is tidy and that Alina's water bottle is full. His plans are for me to shelve books and smile at customers who seem kind of cranky, to answer questions (both Biblical and work related) questions that customers and co-works alike may pose. And I think I can be ok with that. I want to be ok with that. I want to be GOOD with that. And I think I'm getting there. Chuck said that life is full of different seasons. I told him that I am so used to being involved and active. He said that maybe I'm not supposed to be a feeder right now but maybe I'm just supposed to feed. He said I need to be thankful for this time in which I am not really busy to really take advantage of that and grow deeper in my relationship with God. Chuck said that maybe God is watching to see how wisely I spend the time He has given me. God is watching to see how faithful I am with the small things. He said to be thankful and to stop freting and just rest in the freedom that Christ has given me. You know, it's so easy to manage time wisely when you're so involved and active. It's so easy to decide to live for Christ when you know you have people watching you. But it's in the every day acts, the every day thinking, that really determines what is in your heart. I feel so stupid for being so selfish. For being so prideful. I hope you aren't disappointed in me for not having an eventful life. :) I hope you don't see me as commonplace. It's just that this is where I am right now. This is my season. And as broken as I feel right now, at this very moment, I don't feel so much like an aimless wanderer. YHWH has shown me my place...and rightly so.

You see, Alexander, some bad days can turn to be good days. Just because you may feel bad doesn't mean that things are bad. Maybe you just need to learn a lesson that you would have never understood unless you had a horrible, no good, very bad day...or several of them.

♥

i have many comfortable things back home
i have my airport
i have my cat
i have my mom
i have my dad
i have my sky filled with stars
i have the long drive through the valley
but not here
here i have angry drivers
and huge parking garages
i have smog
and early morning wakeups
i have pants that hide my bellybutton
and a shirt that i can swim in
but grumbling helps nothing
whining wont make him call
complaining wont cook my dinner

consider it all joy.....

Prescription Drugs

I heard this song...and these are the words...and this is how I feel. But I don't feel like I'm in such despair anymore. I feel hope because God is always there, no matter where there is. I thank my God for being so gracious to me, so patient and loving, and for reminding me of the peace that is found when resting in Him.

Hugs.
Not drugs.
Jesus gave me a hug...
He has a way of knowing exactly when I need one.

You Alone by Casting Pearls:

"I've come to Your throne here so cold and alone
I'm calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide
and I cry Lord take me away
Take this heavy heart
and this weary soul and set them free
Remove myself till there's nothing left but You alone in me
I'm letting go of all that I know
I'm holding on to You alone
I lay it all down down here at Your feet
I want You alone
You alone
If I go to the heavens above
Lord I know You are there
If I make my bed in the depths
lord I know You are there
If I rise on the wings of the dawn
or settle on the far side of the sea
Even still Lord I know You will,
You will always be there with me"

Direction

I headed west on the 210 this evening and watched the sun
just before it went to bed over the mountains.
It was blazing orange and whipped clouds of gold surrounded its sphere.
I felt like I was driving closer to it and soon I would arrive.
But there was no fear of my face melting away,
or of my eyebrows falling off...
I felt like I had a destination.
A swarm of black birds appeared in the corner of my eye...
They dove and whipped around in one motion,
completely in sync with each other.
I envied the roles that they played.
I asked to join them,
but I guess they didn't hear me.
So I kept on driving.
Pretending I had a destination,
Pretending I had somewhere to go...
Pretending I knew how to get there.

mommy is here to take care of me

tears come easy these days
naps are high on my most wanted list
i sat today at work and watched the ice
melted by hot water.
fascinated

Happy Birthday, Alina

I like what Karine said...about crumbling up her bad day and throwing it away.
Today will be a good day, yes.
A better day, yes, better than yesterday.
Better than the day before, yes.
Maybe it will be a naked feet in the park kind of day.

And the sun and I will resume conversation.
And the wind will tease me, just a bit...
because it doesn't like it when I cry.
And what else?
I will leave my imprint in the grass,
So it knows to save my spot.
Because I might have to leave to use the restroom...
or something.

And then I will go to Wal Mart...
and buy
lotion
razor blades
and other...
things.
Spongebob...
Or Patrick...
and sticks of dynamite.

And then I will go to Klubb 23.
K-because its cooler than c
L-because that's the next letter...
U-and so on.
BB-bear and bear
23- That's the apartment Bear lives in.

And we'll watch the ball game.
And eat spaghetti.
And he'll ask about my day,
and how I am doing,
and I will respond accordingly.

And that's that.

No more bad days.
No more tears.

goodbye stupid sophie

jamie wrote a blog about yesterday
explaining what a crappy day it was
we have different reasons for it
yet one collision unified us
however i do not want to write a blog about
yesterday
i want to take an angry black ballpoint
and scribble in a tumbleweed circle
until the paper begins to rip
then crumble up my angry day
and throw it away
but the day is over and gone
and i finished sophie's world today
that is over and gone

Life is a Bitch

Office Space. If you ever need a laugh, just watch Office Space. I wonder where my copy is...

I could use a laugh.

A real laugh.

A feel it from the tummy all the way to the toes laugh...

A see it burst through my eyes laugh...

So that it shreds any image of sadness that may reside there.

But I don't have Office Space.

And I don't have a laugh.

And I don't have you...
because I bet you could make me laugh.

I have Smirnoff.
Planned camping trips with Jess.
A smile from Lacy stuck in my short-term memory box
(because I just saw her today).
I have measurements...
bust.
waist.
shoulder to waist.
waist to knee.
I have my bestie.
I have my Bear.
(such a good bear)
I have 4 big pillows on my bed,
Accompanied by Reptile and the rest of the clan...
...............................
..................
..........
...............................but............................

I also have...

A wrecked light.
An ugly scrape.
I have...
To pay for the damage I did to Karines car.
(she says it will work out)
I have...
To think about spring of 09 and how dad is cutting me loose.
I have...
To take out a loan.
Eventually...
eventually being soon.
I have...
A minimum wage job and an unpaid internship.

And I feel like I take, take, take...
But I never give.
I never give enough.
Or I don't give at all...
And that bothers me.
Would you like the money in my wallet?
I'd give it to you in a heartbeat.
Would you like Mr.Smiley to cry on?
He's yours.
Would you like my last yellow number 2?
I'd be giving much more than a pencil...
But you wouldn't know it.
And I would give it, I WOULD!
I don't have anything...
And if I did, I would give it to you, I would, I would, I would...
I just have my bigger than life dreams,
And my little-er dreams.
I have paper.
And lead
(unless I give that to you)
But those things are worthless.
Tawdry.
They won't take me anywhere,
They won't accomplish anything...

They don't help me now...
So what am I doing with them?
I keep them close.
I hold on.
Because I want to believe that they will take me somewhere, someday.
I need to believe that.
I need to believe that everything will work out,
That everything will be okay.
They're my costume wings that I put on every morning.
And even though they aren't real,
And I cannot fly...
I keep them because I want to believe that someday I will...

I have...
to trust that God will provide everything.
I'm not ready for life just yet.
But it doesn't really care about that.
It's coming anyway.

But maybe if I close my eyes right now and go to sleep...I can get away from it. For a few hours. And maybe tomorrow, after I've had some cereal and coffee, the sun won't blind me so much, and the wave won't seem so devestating...maybe. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe.

But Alexander knows...Alexander knows that there are bad days everywhere...
even in Australia.

black socks

i have many thoughts running through my head.
however
i dont feel like sharing them.
whoo hoo for bottling emotions!
rock on.

pictures

i'm happy at twilight
i can't get my self to go to bed now
as much as my body is begging me
i'm captivated by the mystical time of
now
its like the changing of the guards
night and day mingle
and switch
when the first star appears
i fall silent
and my eyes light up
like a little girl
getting a pony
i dont know why
i forget everything
i want to dabble my pudgy fingers
in finger paint
and pretend i can capture the beauty of this
time
a little blue
a little red
light purple
but it wont
it wont catch anything
i'm too old to have people look at my
pictures and guess what they hold
so i can't
much like the tree that needs a poem
off san fernando road
my twilights need a painting

The Dirt is Worth the Beauty of Naked Feet

I ran through the grass today.
In naked feet.
And the small of my back was moist with sweat and delight...
Delight over a baseball glove and a silly bear named Boo.
I could feel the bridge of my nose becoming red from the weight of my too-big-for-my-face sunglasses...
But still I smiled.
And Jonn said I looked gorgeous...
Standing there in my forest green Mt. Gilead shirt,
Draped in memories,
Wearing my Tom Sawyer pants,
Holding a heavy wooden baseball bat,
And trying desperately hard to keep my back foot planted...
To no avail.
I felt small.
And insignificant...
But for once that felt like a good thing...
I wasn't important.
I wasn't needed.
I wasn't pressured.
I wasn't in a charade of tea cakes and halos.
I was just a girl,
Playing catch with a boy,
And it didn't matter that my toes became dirty,
Or that my make-up was smearing beneath my eyes.
The world zoomed out.
And I zoomed in on what what I want in life.
I want gloves,
And baseball bats,
And recently budded flowers,
And sunshine every morning,
And grass...
I want to learn how to savor these little things so that when the fog drifts in and refuses to lift,
When the robin is absent from its perch,
When I've rubbed Black off of Reptile and I can no longer smell Bear,
I want to still see beauty,
And the joy that is found in life...
I want to smile at the future.
Of course, that is only a bit of what I want. Just a glimpse. But I don't want much...or maybe I do. I don't know.

It doesn't matter where we are...what matters is that we are there. Strategically placed. Cliche? Yes. True? Without a doubt. My hope, my prayer (yes, I do pray occasionally) is that we will learn to keep our hearts content and to not pine for what we do not have, to not look back on yesterday and wish that things could be the same. Because no matter how much we hope, things won't be the same. And we can either cry about it...or we can seize the day and all that God has placed there. Why chew on stale substance when we can feel the juice of fresh straw'bries dripping off of our hungry chins today...TODAY...right now we have the sweet sensation of summer's goodness...savor it. It's what its here for.

I feel lost sometimes too. But maybe we aren't lost. Maybe we're just adventuring and we've never had to use a compass before today. But that's ok. We learn to step ahead. We learn to build shopping malls out of toothpicks. We learn the new things until those things become...every day (yet uncommonplace things). We're experiencing...and sometimes its a trial and error process...but the important thing is that we learn. And maybe no one does understand...maybe there is no one at the moment who can truly sympathize with what is going on in our lives...but why should that stop us from really living? It's just a step. And we'll make it. And conquer the next foot in front of us just like we did the last.

This in-between time is only a fragment of our lives. Yet perhaps maybe the most difficult. That awkward place of being torn between lives that we once lived and lives that we live now. We're growing up. And moving on...moving out...and trying desperately hard to carve out a place for ourselves in this big, big world. But we will make it. We have to believe that and take hold of it.

Be encouraged, my friends...
Some things in life do remain a constant
(the love of friends, for example...the ever present grace of God for another...)

Sleep well.
Dream sweetly.
Know you are loved.

quien?

twenty minutes till bedtime
in this strange world i live in
in bed by 8
up by 330
do you understand this strange world i live in
five days aweek

i went to church tonight
first time in a month.
it felt good
like home
and it wasn't even my regular church

i'm still waiting for a phone call
he said he'd call me the next day
and i'm still waiting

i need patience in this matter
patience to wait for him to call
to callme
it will be worth it
i need patience so bad right now

tofu is cheap at trader joe's 99Cents
my mom comes down thursday
nancy drew comes out friday
and when will
my phone call come?

i see jamie shaking her head
ten minutes now

i'm afraid i'm putting on my 'i'm alright face'
because i'm afraid
i'm starting to think
'no one knows what i'm going through'
but i dont know what i'm going through
oh dear.
darn complicated females


ring phone
ring

aimee- tell Emily i Said YO.

Oh My Soul

I am not sure where to begin
I have the desire to pour out my heart but I find myself unsure of where it is

I read the words posted on this wonderful blog
words of love
and encouragement
I cry

Im not sure why
I cry because I miss Aimee
I haven't seen her in God knows how long
and yet her prayers hit home
hit the soft spot

I cry because I miss my Baby
she is hurting and i dont even know why
and I cant give her a hug
i cant tell her things are going to be okay
But Baby they will
God loves you so much it hurts my head to think about it

I hate how cliche God has become
even me saying a simple truth like that so often is said
heard
agreed to
and just as quickly forgotten

BUT GOD LOVES YOU
ALL

Thought transition...

Thomas is in India
it is weird that he is so far away
i miss him
He is my encouragement and convicter
God has used him in powerful ways and I stand in awe of how much Jesus blesses us

I long for the past

I visit Willits but its not the same
I am happy with how much I have grown
but I think back on my life
on the happiness I have experienced and i am grieved
i dont know why
Really there isnt much in my past i want to go back to
friends
I miss friends
I miss close friendships
people you can cry with
laugh with about stupid things until you cry
I cry because i miss that

My tears are seen by no one but God
I began to read the blog in the living room
but moved into my room because i could not stop the tears
and i feared my dad walking in and seeing me

In a way i fell stranded in Santa Rosa
no friends

I start work tomorrow
that will be interesting
but it will fill the hours

I wanted to go to church today
but my dad went to the early service without me
i was really upset
still am
but trying to forgive him

so instead i listened to a sermon by Bill Johnson
my brother introduced me to him and his messages are powerful
the Holy Spirit is always present

I miss my girls
I miss people who know me
I find myself searching for my identity that I know I will find in Christ
and yet
I dont know myself

I love you all
you are in my prayers
The peace of God be on you all
right now...

My Lazy Eye

It wasn't the first first time of a very long time...
but it was a first time in a very long time,
That I opened up my Bible today.
My Bible.
My food.
I read Proverbs 8...and flipped to Joshua 1 to make sure I gave Jonn the right verse.
I felt remorse over neglecting God.
So I gave Him time today...not because I felt guilty or ashamed but because I genuinely wanted to give Him a few moments.
And I asked Him...I said, "God, does your grace even reach this far?" And something in the song, some words that were sung at the exact moment, answered my question,
answered my disguised fear...
"Yes."
And walls were lifted...
And sacrifices offered...
Difficult decisions decided
(I guess that's why they're called sacrifices...)

***
Life is at a standstill right now. The internship is on hold (please, Dr. Simons, work quickly!) Willits is...a pleasant thought. But a thought is what it remains. I'm here...comfortably though, sitting on Karines bed, waiting for her to get ready so we can go to ice-cream with Jordan (my future roomie.) And I honestly wonder why God has blessed me as much as He has...why? I'm such a sinner..."blood flown freely down..."

I'm thankful for Aimee...and her thoughts...and how we haven't seen or talked to each other in SO long but...that doesn't seem to matter. There is a bond between us Willits girls, a bond that time or circumstances will have no negative effect on. And I'm thankful for bonds such as these...and for the pink erasers on yellow number 2 pencils.

***

I opened my journal today. "I will write, " I said to myself. "I will write..." What? Hmm...I pondered some more...and some more...and finally...
I pondered some more.
Satisfied by my pondering, I set aside my yellow number 2 and pondered some more. Dr. Simons says to get your thoughts on paper...otherwise they mean nothing. But I didn't like my thoughts. I didn't like where they were going. And I wanted no record of them. They weren't necessarily bad...but they weren't anything I wanted written down. "Those ones are mine, "I said to myself, "And not even my journal can have them!"

Poor journal...
neglected for so long
much like my Bible.

And so today...another entry lost to my rational thinking.

Perhaps tomorrow I will try again...
or tonight when I come "home" after going out to ice-cream.
We will see.

Life is hard...
yes.
Life is hard.
But I get ice-cream...and not many people can say that they were able to have ice-cream.
So despite life's difficulites at the moment,
I will be thankful.
For ice-cream.
For you.
Yes...you.
You are special.
Never forget it.

a prayer

I love this journal. I soak it in
drink down your words
and smile for you
and hurt for you
and mull over life some more.
So now I will write
I will pour the tea, or lemonade
or whatever flavor this is..

I read some of God's word
for the first time in too long, this morning was just
2 weeks late
Proverbs something said
without a talebearer,
strife ceases like a fire without wood.
I think my own journals are talebearers,
whispering out of the past
kindling me
and I whisper to them of today and my heart
perpetuates the dark.

Mother Teresa was
a woman without any darkness,
said the voice in the interview.


No secrets.
Open book.
I will stop cohorting with myself
because I need something more,
because my eyes are tired of the dark
I AM SICK OF IT
and the light is glorious!!


I have been praying for each of you--
right now I am
I lift up Eileen to you God, open her eyes to places you want her to go
and take away anxiety, fear, for you light up every place
and nothing is too hard for you.
And Talisha, bring her into your presence, send encouraging words
and bring laughter; search her heart,
prune the things you know she doesn't need
and so refresh her with life and growth and flourishing.
And Karine, hold her close to you
may she abide
just abide
like you did Jesus--and let her know you are God
she came from you
is loved by you
and goes to you in your glory.
Like a branch shooting out from a vine,
send her out into a hurt and weakened world.
Give Jaime a burden on her heart
for the lost
the hungry
the poor
and lonely;
give her a body that moves behind her
good friends with love and intimacy
so she can move further as part of the body of Christ.

This is what we are.
I thank you for these sisters,
for tying our hearts together.
God, thank you! For loving us!

ps read psalm 139

purple rain

he hasn't called
i dont think he's going to

the process of forgetting him
begins again..........

where new music starts

Jenna from work came over yesterday
and ricky was supposed to call and we all were supposed to hang
out
it was almost four
and my phone
rang
it was him
i deleted him from my life a week today
good bye his phone number
i thought as i sat at the arclight
last week it had been three weeks since
i heard from him
andrea at work asked me about my love life
and i told her about my little crush on this boy
i told her i had forgot about him
cleaned him off my white board
andrea asked what i would do if he called again
i said he wouldn't


he did

we talked for 1.5 hours
he told me how crazy his life has been
crazy
crazy
crazy
he said he will call me today
but i dont want to get my hopes up

STOP AND READ!

So I was sitting in my living room
playing on my computer
stoked that we finally have wireless
when it occurred to me that i had not visited the blog since i was at Biola

So I checked it
and found I was not that only one

Time is scary
the most scary part is how precious it is
What is it we are doing with our time?

Me
I have sat around doing nothing!
watching movies and TV shows online
I might take some time and give it God
Ha what a joke
God gives us the time
it is because of him that we are able to wake up each day
to sunshine
or annoying alarm clocks
It is by his Grace!

And yet we treat it like it is ours
dont let life pass you by
how cliche
but how true

My Willits girls dont get wrapped up in the crazyness of the world
stop and be still before God
slow down
slow your breathing
your heart rate
turn off your phone
close your door
and be alone with God

This world full of noise
drowns out the gentle voice of God
Dont pass HIM by

I am guilty of this
I pass him by with my eyes on myself
I find reasons not to read my Bible
not to pray
and when i am flooded with conviction...
I justify
Why do we feel the need to do that?

I AM A SINNER
I AM VAIN
I AM SELFISH
I AM JUDGMENTAL
I DISGRACE GOD BY HATING HIS CREATION
BY HOLDING ANGER...EVEN AGAINST MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM NEEDY
I AM A CHILD OF GOD...

My lovelies do not forget what you are worth
Stop and remember what was done on the cross
Try once again to understand what was done that day

Think back to where you were a year ago
think of your life before you gave it up
See and remember all the GOOD God has done in your life
see the blessings
see the love
see that he is in fact doing a work in your life
even when it feels like he is a lifetime away

You are saved
your salvation can not be taken from you
Jesus loves you
why else would he have gone through the pain and humiliation?

like worn in shoes

hello blog,
I've missed you much.
And happy June to you.
He never called.
I deleted his number from my phone on

Wednesday

I met a man today who goes to Copperhill
I miss Copperhill,
I havent gone
because Work sucks up my life

I get to see Jamie today
two days in a row.
a yip and a yap
im happy