Group Hug

Around 7:27 am, just before my alarm goes off, is my favorite part of the morning. I turn over on my side only to have the sun boistrously wish me a good morning as it pours through the window to kiss my ears, and my nose, and my lips. And I always smile at 7:27am because...because its such a beautiful thing having the sun greet me in such an enthusiastic way. And I take great pleasure in the fact that it's always the sun that wakes me and not my alarm...well...at least it tries to wake me. I don't wake very easily...as some of you may know.

I had great plans for June 7-13th. I was going to go "home" back to Dub Town and visit Pine Mt, go to my speical spot and watch the pine trees grow taller; I was going to go to the creek and make leaf boats and send them sailing to greater adventures. I was going to see my familiar, I was going to hear my familiar and I was going to savor every bit of it, like plantains and black beans...and I was going to keep it with me until I can go back to familiar again.

But plans have changed.
Dani doesn't graduate until the 16th so I have to reschedule my time off and I probably will have little if no time in Willits. It was going to be my great adventure of the summer. I was so excited about going, about getting a fix of Willits injected into my blood stream...and it can't be anymore.

And then I hear the longing in Karine's words as she wrote her blog...and though I haven't seen her, I see the emptiness in Talisha's eyes...that sad look she has when no one understands, when she feels so alone and empty...and I can't be there for her. I'm here. In southern California...the land of sunglasses and fake tans. I'm 15 minutes away from Karine but we never have time to just be...310. And I wonder when we can have a group hug. When us Willits girls can get together (can we have a tea party without the monkey's?) I just miss you all so much...and I want us...more than anything...to be together again. I want us to partake of familiar...and walk together, embracing the unfamilar without fear constraining us. I want a group hug.

I love you, very much. And I long for simpler days...

I just long for you. Bring on life...as long as you are a part of it, I don't care.

Talisha, bite the pillow...even if you're crying while doing it.
Karine, take on life: your fears, your longings, with Wombat Combat.

Have a blessed day, girls...and lets all strive to be a little more like Aimee. :) The Proverbs 31 woman. :)

a hart to hart

Dear God,

I dont really want to be single anymore.
However, I know its not what I want.
Its been two weeks.
He hasn't called.
He's off the white board.
the last two years I've told myself in January
I'd have a Valentines Date.
Three years ago I had Ryan McCullough.
(blah on that one)
Jordan has dates all the time.
and i feel it has something to do with my weight.
those are my thoughts.
those are my fears.
and Talisha.
she's depressed again.
If You were a vending machine ( which you aren't)
I'd rather have her joyful right now
then have a date on friday night.

I apoligize

I must say sorry
I can not remember the last time i read our dear blog
I return to one full of beauty and pain
have you ever heard that superchick song?
Beauty from pain?
"And he will bring beauty from my pain..."
Amazing song... so true

My Willits girls I LOVE YOU ALL!!
reading your blogs it hit me
life is scary and things are changing

I am in my finals week
this morning i met with my prof to go over my paper
she said i looked comfortable, relaxed
unlike everyone else she had seen
i realized...yeah i am
not stressed, strange but so nice
i cant stop thinking about home...well santa rosa... my parents
seeing Karine for the small sweet time i get to

I made a new friend who reminds me of her
it makes me happy to be around her but deeply sad
cuz she isnt Karine
not my Karine who laughs and crys
whoes words are always so full of life
Why Baby do you have to stay so far from me this summer?

Willits is not going to be the same
i am glad i am not staying there
i miss it dearly but am sickened by it at the same time

HA HA
it seems so strange that i am coming off as calm
my heart feels like a whirl wind
i cant remember the last time i spent some quality time with the love of my life
Jesus
Yet he has never left my side

I like this guy
every day my fondness grows
and yet i have no idea what he thinks of me
i love the friendship that we are developing...
i dont want things to ackward
but it would just be nice to know

Bah i am done thinking about that
i keep going over in my mind how i am going to pack my car
i cant wait

unlike you i will not miss 243
there are some good memories in here
but my roommates dont come anywhere near the greatness of those from
310

Time is flying
no joke
reflect on what Jamie said
smell a rose
become an Egyption princess for a day
stop and talk to the sun
close your eyes and breath
slow down
love people
bless people
praise God
pray
live life like Jesus is coming tomorrow

I LOVE YOU ALL
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU
AND MAY HE KEEP YOU
AND MAY HIS FACE SHINE UPON YOU

all of these bastards have taken his place, he's forgotten but not yet gone

goodmorning sun
i am a bird
wearing a brown polyester shirt
do you want a coke?
maybe some fries?

I feel off.
like the world is at a tilt
and no one told me.
everyone has adjusted and is walking fine
but karine, darling, is a-trippin and a-fallin
this last week has been nasty.

its seems like nothing has gone my way.
I hit finals week running
then took my last final, started a new job, and moved in to a new apartment
in one
day.
now i'm getting up at 350am for work, i work till 130, waitressing
my car was hit twice last week.
in the stupid parking structure
total estimate-$2,000
whoops.
the internet cable wont work on my computer
or i can't get it to.
so i 'borrow' someone's wireless
i found out my DS was done completley
wrong
and i have to re-do it
my mom yelled at me yesterday
because she and my dad got in a fight
in which they questioned their marriage

homefeelssofaraway

talisha needs a hug
i can't give her one
mallori has a new boyfriend
i haven't met him
jamie is in the same town
but i haven't seen her in a few days
eileen is coming up friday
i will see her
willits has $5 afternoon movies
willits has my airport
my stars
my place for clarity
this town has none of that.
i have the strangest fear that i wont go back to school
that i will waitress till some man finds me cute enough
to slap a ring on
why am i worried about that?
i dont know.
school is where i will be.
mark my words blog
mark them
underline them
italic-ic them
bold them proper

i texted him
and he never wrote back....
praise the lord for erasable markers......
i think i just want a hug now.
i think i want someone to pat me on the back
and tell me growning up is hard
but i'll survive.
why do i cry now?
why do the tears flow?
i dont have time to cry now.
my DS book stares at me
begging to be redone
my closet screams to be organized.
the kitchen floor needs to be mopped
laundry is running.
at 350 the alarm will yell at me
screaming for me to be responsible and get up
get to work
get to the real world
get
get
get
go
go
go
go
go
go
i'm scared.
can you see it in my eyes?

The Pretty Things

I wondered yesterday what gives a flower its smell. How can a rose smell so darn good? It really amazes me, and I wonder why it does, that nature can create something so beautiful. But then I remember Who is behind it all, Who designed it...Who made it work so perfectly well.

"Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree."

I'm thankful to live in such a beautiful area. I play in the backyard with Alina often. We hide beneath the apple trees and have conversations with rabbits. We run away from ogres and our Cinderella wonders, as she strolls across the deck or "stage", why her Prince Charming doesn't remember her anymore. The Egyptian princess and I gather fallen rose petals and throw them, at just the right moment, into the wind and we watch them dance away. Sometimes they are confetti, sometimes they are magical charms, other times the petals serve as a deadly poison. With Alina, anything can be everything. She has such a marvelous imagination and she is such a great actress for only being 3 years old...almost 4.

It is good to imagine a world outside of ones own. This world has too much trouble, too much worries that choke away the beauty. I think it would be beneficial to everyone if they each escaped, if only for a little bit, each day into the beauty that lies somewhere in their imagination. I wonder if people remember that they have an imagination. I wonder if they wonder about how flowers can smell so wonderful...or about the mysterious relationship between a tree and the sun. There is so much life around us, I wonder if we notice it? Do we even care to? In my eyes, it so necessary, at least for me, to put aside life for a moment...to just stop and look and really listen. I was lying in the grass a few days ago and Alina asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm talking with the sun." And she asked, "What is he saying?" And I told her that the sun thought it was a perfect day for people to enjoy life. And we lay in the grass together, the two of us, for a few moments before she asked me to play princess with her again. I think deep down, she's not only a princess, but a bohemian. Perhaps that is why we get along so well. She understands me, understands imagining...and the lengths I go to imagine, she dares me to imagine more. That little Egyptian princess is good for me.

For all of the man-made wonders that have been created, I can honestly and truly say that nothing is more beautiful than the way God designed a rose to smell so sweet.

I'm Only 21...

I've come to the conclusion that life, once again, is at a crossroad, a crossroad that I can't quite make out the street signs, my little google map would've been more helpful with pictures, pictures of what I was looking for. Of course that would be helpful for everything in life right? Pictures I mean, pictures of what or who we look for, what we are supposed to strive for. 'Here is your purpose' and then a picture. Life would be so easy. But it isn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to stay home in the safety of my parents' arms, although they miss me, I miss them, I could be back doing what I know, what I'm comfortable with, but I'm here, far away from all my comfort, all I know.

Half the important things in life that I've talked about I can't even remember. My body is giving up but I gave up on my body a long time ago. The excitement has worn down and I want nothing more than to be held...held tight, held lose, just held. I cry out that I'm trying, I really am, I'm trying so hard, and its true, I am trying, I'm trying so hard but there is no one who can see, there is no one to hear me or me to hear them. Sometimes you have to wonder why bother, why try. I want her passion, I want her dreams, I want her intelligence; if I had that I would be ok, I would survive.

white board

i know i said i would give you two weeks
but i'm not going to.
i think it would just be a waste
of those seven days.
i'm washing away my white board.
gone.
you are.

hop on

108.
half of that is 54.
how ever it just doesn't have the same ring as
310
or 155.
i was telling mia about my willits women
how much they meant to me
i miss her growling
i miss her silly outfits
( that she thought were cute)
i miss her smelly shoes
i miss her mess
i miss her mucho.
but she's downstairs
to hang out with me
just because we dont live together
doesn't mean the math changes
k310+j310= 310
always and forever

Living on the Crown of Olive Branches...

I am here.
No...not there.
Over here.
I moved out of 310, silly, and now live with a wonderful family.
I watch the Little Dragon during the day...
And we have fun being dragons together.

I miss 310. Not so much Hotchkiss.
Not so much the ants.
Not so much the stained carpet.
Not so much the hard blue plastic chairs (the only things that sat on them were books)
Not so much the space...or lack thereof.
But I miss the one across the room from me,
Watching her chat,
Watching her yak,
Watching her study,
All at once.
Watching her paint her nails seconds before she leaves the room,
Watching her go through Boo and Bos,
Frantically deciding what to wear.
I miss hearing the jingle of her keys as she approaches 310,
She's talking on the phone, as always, but soon she'll be in the room with me...
My Bitch.
I miss bikini parties
And trips to the store for pineapple juice.
I miss epsom salt,
And wombat combat.
I miss her tears,
Her giggles,
Her bursts of outrageous laughter.
She always made me feel like I had a home.
We went to Hea-ven together.
And now I sit here,
Upstairs in my own room,
With my own bed,
(imported from Egypt)
With my own dresser drawers (imported from Egypt)
With my own TWO nightstands (imported from Egypt)
With my own peace and quiet...(that just comes from being alone)
But I don't have 310.
My suitcases aren't even unpacked yet...I don't know what to do with the stuff.
I won't be here for long...
and then back in the bags and boxes they'll go.
I have 2 pictures up.
One of Dani and I...
The other of Sarah and I...
I may lay my head here,
I may have a key for awhile,
I may use the kitchen,
and the bathroom,
and the livingroom...
And it will be comfortable.
And safe.
But come August, it will all be gone.
No more stability.
And then once more in December...
More boxes to back but hopefully December means life...
when I'll hopefully have a place to call my own.
Where I can plant flowers (even just flower pots are nice)
Where I can cook
And clean my bathroom,
And water my house plants,
And feed my...fish?
When I can go shopping for food at Vons because they always have the best deals...
But for now,
I'm here.
Not in 310.
Not home.
Just here.
In a beautiful house,
With a beautiful family...
I'll love it while I can.

pink sleepingbags

tears tickle.
as they race down my nose
i become cross eyed to watch them
them in their little race
310 is half empty.
my stuff is cluttered in a corner
waiting for 108
the new apartment
ten people i would like with me now
ten little people to make my tears stop
tears, stop racing
stop falling down my face.
if i can control my arm
why can't i stop my tears?
stop tears
stop falling
goodbye 310.



side note- two weeks

j310

Sometimes in the movie,in the shows
people hold something
a trinket of somesort
then the camera pans
to the time this momento
brings them back to.
I look feverishly around my room
up down
left right
nothing
not one thing
can lock up and hold
all my memories
Jamie taught me so much this year
I had lived with my family
people who loved me
because the blood that flowed
through our veins was the same
but Jamie was different
I lived with my best friiend
the ideal situation
people warned us not to
you'll get too exclusive
you'll hate each other.
no. people. not true.
i love her more
i love her for wambat combat
i love her for her messes
i love her for her silly dressing
i lover her for her dancing
i love her for her lime green flip flops
we say to each other things wont change
but they will
this we had
our 310
was utopia
lock out the world and three cheers for epson salt
I'm not throwing you to the wolves
No
but never again
will we have what we had here
My hope
is when we make toasts at each others weddings
may 310 be brought up
may it bring tears
may it bring giggles
make it be part of the glue
that holds us together over time
i love you jamie lyn

Leaving My Heart...

in 310.

This has been a...sad day, I suppose. I started to pack this morning, all of my clothes are put away, for the most part, except for a few things in my closet, just enough to last me a few days before I leave. Karine went to IKEA today with her future roomies...I stayed here...she brought back a futon bed and some cute decorations for her bedroom. Her bedroom. Her apartment. I'm so excited for her! My buddy is growing up...and doing such a fine job of it.

I wonder when its my turn.
I wonder when someone arrives "grown up?"
I think life just constantly morphs...and you really don't arrive...you just travel. One has a destination of "grown up" but I wonder if one can actually get there?

I guess I'll never know. I'll just allow my body to feel age, to feel pain, to see years go by like they were going out of style...I"ll just allow this monster called life to slowly devour me until I am nothing more than a pile of ash. Cremate me, will you? I don't want to rot in the ground.

On a lighter note, school is officially out of session on Thursday. :) woot woot. I am looking forward to my time off, to going to Willits...I talked to my good friend Mr. Nord this morning. We talked about robbins and chemistry and gardens and cats named Chester and Lester. I will visit him when I go to Willits.

I am sleepy right now. I am supposed to meet Jonn at 73o at his apartment...that's still another hour or so...perhaps I will go to B&N and get some espresso to wake me up.

yeah for espresso.
yeah for you.
yeah for friends.
yeah for flowers.
yeah for second chances.
and third...
and fourth...

sorry john mayer i'm not waiting for the world to change

i like to cry
today i figured out why
the last few days
i have wanted to tear to come so badly
last night, when the stars were anything but my friends
last night, when the stars mocked at this little girl
trying to grow up
i wanted to cry
my friends, the stars, twinkled in laughing manner,
at my tired behavior, telling me I couldn't handle it all.
but the tears didn't come
or today when i got to afi
and no one was in the office
and i had to hike around campus
looking for someone with a key
the tears didn't come
sitting in my room
sitting next to the inevitable
the fact that I am leaving the
310-ness soon
i want to cry
but they haven't come.
crying to me,
crying is liberating
its like have the weight of the world like mud
on your face
then shutting your eyes
raising your hands
and opening them up to the rain
as the rain comes down
fresh
and pure
it washes all the mud away
and leaves me clean
refreshed
renewed.
thats why i like to cry