make your smile sweet to see, dont you take this a-way. im still wanting your face on my cheek

my knees hurt today. I don't know why, but they hurt. As Neutral Milk Hotel plays in the background I wish i had lifted better. " Bone over Bone" " ABC's of Stunting" I'm not an 85 year old in a retirement home. I'm 21, the supposed prime of my life and my knees hurt. "Consider it all joy my brethren...." That is my new mantra. Every time I whine or complain, I stop and say that. Its hard to consider it all joy. So friggin hard. Some days I look at my life, where I am, my body, my face, my lack of a boyfriend-ness and bitter pants are worn that day. I'm in Old Testament II today with Doctor Varner. We learned about Jeremiah this week. Jeremiah is the weeping prophet. Varner told us never give up, he began to weep during class and the passion from this man was intense. Jeremiah wanted to give up so bad. He told the Lord, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, that he, Jeremiah, had been fooled. Jeremiah was frustrated and angry. But continue reading Jeremiah praises the Lord with his lips. Jeremiah was never fooled. Jeremiah was never alone. Jeremiah was always in the hand of God. There are nights when it seems like the morning will never come. There are times when you feel alone, when you feel abandoned. But you aren't, babycakes, you are never alone. Jeremiah knew this. Varner knows this. I know this. During my POP ( period of partying) I felt like I was my own island. My actions affected no one. The mistakes I made, more than my simple mind can compute, relationships I ruined, I could go on and on. The Lord was with me. He brought me back. I pray the same for Todd. My heart cries for him, and my face follows. You were my best friend, my cousin. And then you are gone. I thought family was thicker than water? you slipped through my fingers like a handful of sand. You mean so much to me. Now i am closer to you, we could hang out . You were the one with the crucial statement to me. " you know what to do Karine" and i did it Todd, i did it. Cant you?

i know you will come back. I'm waiting Todd. I'm waiting and praying.


i miss my stars. I miss the serenity they lent me. When I needed a tangable promise from God, my stars would twinkle and shine all the brighter

Sun Rain Drops

This day has been interesting. I find myself wanting to hide in the safety of my blankets and never peep my head out...unless I need to eat. It's just one of those days...those sunny, blue-skied days that are shadowed in gloom and dreariness. I blame the southern California weather, the gorgeous weather that informs me summer is coming. But summer means change...and change is something that I don't care much for, especially if it seems like that change is dangerous. I'm 22 years old and the only light at the end of my tunnel is the hope that I can become something worthy of life.

I don't like it when the people I love are hurt. I want to take their pummeled heart and doctor it with love and kindness; I want them to believe that everything will be ok in the end. But I don't know that. And you don't know that. So how can we tell them what might be a lie? I suppose it just depends on our perception of what ok is.

I wonder how a hermit crab deals with it's burden...well, I guess it's not really a burden; it is his home after all. He wanders around the murky bottom floor, a benthos creature, like a hobo with no thumb in which to hitch a ride. He sees an empty home, abandoned with the furnishings still in tact. Perhaps there are pictures of a once happy family on the wall and color crayon drawings hanging proudly on the fridge. Maybe he sweeps the floor and dusts the bookshelves, vaccums the floor and straightens the tossed about furniture. In their rush, the previous family had left the whites in the wash and the towels in the dryer. Soon, they are folded neatly and placed in their proper places. Such a benevolent creauture... I want to be as benevolent. I want to clean up all the dirtiness that lies in the crevices of a broken heart and make it clean again. I can't make your broken heart whole but I can do my best to make you as comfortable as the pain will allow you to be. Soon the sands of time will smooth out the ragged edges and the tetonic plates of you heart will meld together and fit perfectly, like made-to-be-together puzzle pieces. Looking back, you'll find less of a puzzle and more of a beautiful picture whose intricacies rival that of a newly formed snowflake. And despite the ugliness that ran rampant in your life, despite the lurking shadows of a dark past, you will find yourself a better person because of it.

I want you to hear my screaming, I want you to notice what goes on

I have toothpaste on my nose. there is a large zit on my nose and it just wont go away. Jamie told me to do it. She's 22 so of course I listen. I worked both jobs today. Terryberry was uneventful. Oh, i ditched my first class and chapel. I just can't sleep at night. I should be in bed now but i'm waiting for the toothpaste to dry. Part of my interning duties include going to the Arclight on Wednesday nights and manning a booth to answer questions. A lot of famous people go to the arclight and tonight i saw Adam Brody. Lets just say... he is smokin'. I've never used that phrase before and I'll probably never use it again. I'll reserve it just for him. Smokin' Adam Brody. Yes. It has a nice ring. I started looking at housewares tonight and i signed up to get the Ikea magazine in the mail. Lame as it may be, i'm joyous. I'm waiting now for this toothpaste to dry. So its time for small talk. I'm single right now, i'll tell you that much. These are the things I find important in a 'boy/man'
must love the Lord
must have leadership skills
must be someone i can respect

there.
thats what i want. I need someone I can follow and respect his decisions. I wish i had some yerba mate right now. and toast with cinnamon sugar. and a back massage. maybe if i think hard enough jamie will give me one without me even asking. yeah. i doubt that too. well my toothpaste is hardening, so hopefully if you see me tomorrow i won't be mistaken for Ruldolph. and if i do, just lie to my face. thanks

A Briefing

I apologize for neglecting you, Mr. Blog. I'm sure you were as hungry for my words as I was in wanting to give them to you. These last couple of days have been busy...I put aside the majority of my other homework to work on my workshops for Doc Simons class. Friday will be the morning of truth...tomorrow I will spend my evening at my desk, with my fingers seducing the keyboard so that I can produce my essay response and book response. I pray all goes well. My roommate is at her internship right now in Hollywood. I miss that kid when she is not around. It is going to be sad not living with her anymore...she is as much a part of me as life is itself. She's a special kid. Anyway, enough of that sentiment...tonight, JB and I are going out to dinner and then to read at Starbucks...he will be reading "A Brief History of Time" and I will be reading my essays that I need to respond to...so, I will be with my love AND get some homework done at the same time. Perfecto! Have a good evening, Mr. Blog, and to anyone else who might stumble upon you. Maybe we'll chat more later...

Wait Out The Days

Yesterday was crazy. I'm sorry for not posting. I have a night class on Mondays and eats up everything that is good and beautiful. I got my phone fixed yesterday! More importantly I had a really good talk with Josh. We talked about why we never dated. I was completly honest with him, because Im trying not to be walked on anymore. He was honest because he had some 'truth serum' if you know what i mean. He said it never was anything about me. He said I knew him and I still know him better than anyone else. He said we have a relationship where he knows he can trust me, and I wont hurt him. Josh told me he didn't want to just go out for four months then break up with me and lose everything. I told Josh how i have battled with the fact that someone could want to be with me so much, yet not want me. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, truly having closure. Today is a big day for K-dawg. Carly, Mia and Jessie and myself of course are going apartment shopping. The time i have left in 310 is disapearing, and my time with Jamie as my official roommmate is becoming more and more precious. Hmmm
going a little deeper than i wanted to at this early hour.

I'll write a haiku


eric clapton song
window on my left, bed right
four walls, things surround

Blah, Blah, Blah

why does growing up have to be so complicated? I'm trying to get a credit card in order to establish credit. I've been asking my financial advisor, a.k.a. my dad, if I could get one. He kept telling me no because "credit cards are dangerous...wait until you're older" even though I was 18 when I started asking. I'm now 22. I want to spread my wings a bit so I told my dad I wanted to get my own cell phone contract so he wouldn't have to pay for it...but I couldn't because I don't have any credit! So now, I'm applying for some student credit cards, just something small so I can get my credit going. I still haven't heard back from any of them. I'm not a foolish spender at all. In fact, I hate spending money. So I know I won't go crazy just because I have some plastic in my wallet, other than my debit card. I graduate next year and I have this fear that I won't be able to do anything with my life simply because I have no credit. Lord willing, at least one application will go through and I can build good solid credit. rraarrr... So that is my morning pain...checking my inbox and finding no new mail. However, this morning my 8am (Editing) with Dr. Jack Simons was cancelled. :) That was a nice surprise so I just went back to bed...and slept. :D SO GOOD!!! I have a test in Foundations of Science which will probably harder than I think it is....it's one of those classes that Masters makes you take before you can graduate. But it's ok, it's only for one semester and it's almost over. Tonight, I'm going to my boyfriend's house, Jonn Blazey, for dinner and to watch the Flames game with him and his dad. Well, I'll be doing homework, which I have a lot of. Actually, it's not too bad. At least it's not hard work. :) Anyway, that should be fun. I love going over there and visiting with him and his family. I miss mine terribly so it's nice going to a home and feeling loved and welcomed. Well, I'm going to go to get ready for lunch in a bit. Adios...for now.

Abraham Lincoln was the great emmancipator

two hours and some odd minutes till the new week begins.
last week flew by so fast, i'm praying this one does too.
jamie and i did have a crazy day, it was like someone shook up everything.
we were just crazy and wild. what did we do? oh, what didn't we do? i think thats more of the question. I have two wet outfits in the dirty pile and the bathroom floor is soaked. There is a box of food on jamie's bed, stuffed with pasta and funny words. the bathroom's trash can has some interesting artifacts. i think that sums up our day. As my mother would say, ' what just happened here?' honestly mom, i dont know

Sangria Secrets

Karine and I went to the Olive Garden for dinner tonight. I think we ate more than we intended to. But how often do we go out to a nice dinner together? My point exactly. So we stuffed our faces with break sticks fresh out of the oven, some calorie loaded alfredo and a five cheese ziti thing...incredible. We topped it off with a chocolate cake in a vanilla cream sauce, accompanied by a garnish of fresh strawberries. "Divine!" Wouldn't you say so, Karine? Prior to our...interesting...dinner, we had an interesting experience here in Hotchkiss. Just take my word for it that it was a tad on the wild side...not a sensual wild or anything...but totally just a thing that Karine and I would do...I would love to tell you about it, but I don't know if I should post it for the world to see. So, if you would like to know, you can ask me to tell you our story. But then again, it might not be a big deal to you. Keep in mind, though, that we were both amazed at this discovery of our hidden talent. A nice and warm discovery it was...anyway. Boyfriends are nice...well, at least I can say that of mine. He's pretty much the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me...besides being buddies with Jesus, that is. But there are some things that...well, it just wouldn't be the same if you shared it with anyone else besides your best girl friend...that's how it is with Karine and I. She brings the craziness out of me, the wild side, she makes me want to do the impossible...she makes me want to leap farther and do the unthinkable...of course that's how it is with my love too..but some things are only reserved for girls *wink, wink*...like, well...tonight, for instance. She just does something to me...we have fun, let's just put it that way. I'm tired. I think I'll sign out for now. Just remember, "it's kind of fun to do the impossible," or at least what you thought was impossible. Nighty night.

San Antonio, Texas

oh i like this a lot.
so i decided to do one more post.
about how much i like it.
and i like it this....




















much.
thats a lot

I'll meet you tonight, on top of the world

Its a new blog. Its a place where I've never been.

and gee it feels just like home.

I mean if a website could feel like home.... It would be like this.

I guess the best place to start is one page one.

I'm Karine. I'm 21. I live in Santa Clarita, CA. I'm a junior at the Masters' College.

I'm majoring in communications and I will graduate next May. I work in the Industrial Center as an adminstrative assistant. I intern in Hollywood at the American Film Instititue in the Marketing/Sponsorship Dept. I enjoy picnics and watching the stars. I've done many a stupid thing in my short life time. But more of that fun stuff later. I go to Copperhill Community Church and i honestly love it there. I dont really have much free time anymore. I enjoy reading classic books. I have an odd sense of humor. I love to go shopping. I'm a Christian. How my hands shake typing that word. I feel like our society sees that word and spits on the ground. I saw a bumperstick that made me sick the other day. " If the fetus was gay, would you care if i aborted it?' It made me nauseous. Christians are seen as stuck-up snot faces, condemming everyone to hell. I'm not like that. I could talk for days about that. I dont think I will right now. I am where I am today, because of the Grace of God. Psalms 138:3. My roommate and best friend Jamie says I'm crazy. I dont think i'd like it any other way. We are going on a date tonight. Jamie and I are getting dressed up and going out to Olive Garden. I currently live in the dorms, but not for much longer. I'll be in Santa Clarita for the summer. I'm excited for bread sticks. Lets end there