Life is a Bitch

Office Space. If you ever need a laugh, just watch Office Space. I wonder where my copy is...

I could use a laugh.

A real laugh.

A feel it from the tummy all the way to the toes laugh...

A see it burst through my eyes laugh...

So that it shreds any image of sadness that may reside there.

But I don't have Office Space.

And I don't have a laugh.

And I don't have you...
because I bet you could make me laugh.

I have Smirnoff.
Planned camping trips with Jess.
A smile from Lacy stuck in my short-term memory box
(because I just saw her today).
I have measurements...
bust.
waist.
shoulder to waist.
waist to knee.
I have my bestie.
I have my Bear.
(such a good bear)
I have 4 big pillows on my bed,
Accompanied by Reptile and the rest of the clan...
...............................
..................
..........
...............................but............................

I also have...

A wrecked light.
An ugly scrape.
I have...
To pay for the damage I did to Karines car.
(she says it will work out)
I have...
To think about spring of 09 and how dad is cutting me loose.
I have...
To take out a loan.
Eventually...
eventually being soon.
I have...
A minimum wage job and an unpaid internship.

And I feel like I take, take, take...
But I never give.
I never give enough.
Or I don't give at all...
And that bothers me.
Would you like the money in my wallet?
I'd give it to you in a heartbeat.
Would you like Mr.Smiley to cry on?
He's yours.
Would you like my last yellow number 2?
I'd be giving much more than a pencil...
But you wouldn't know it.
And I would give it, I WOULD!
I don't have anything...
And if I did, I would give it to you, I would, I would, I would...
I just have my bigger than life dreams,
And my little-er dreams.
I have paper.
And lead
(unless I give that to you)
But those things are worthless.
Tawdry.
They won't take me anywhere,
They won't accomplish anything...

They don't help me now...
So what am I doing with them?
I keep them close.
I hold on.
Because I want to believe that they will take me somewhere, someday.
I need to believe that.
I need to believe that everything will work out,
That everything will be okay.
They're my costume wings that I put on every morning.
And even though they aren't real,
And I cannot fly...
I keep them because I want to believe that someday I will...

I have...
to trust that God will provide everything.
I'm not ready for life just yet.
But it doesn't really care about that.
It's coming anyway.

But maybe if I close my eyes right now and go to sleep...I can get away from it. For a few hours. And maybe tomorrow, after I've had some cereal and coffee, the sun won't blind me so much, and the wave won't seem so devestating...maybe. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe.

But Alexander knows...Alexander knows that there are bad days everywhere...
even in Australia.