there must be someplace here where only you and i know

elliot smith is singing to me. he had a problem an issue and he died. because he didn't deal with it
issues are like tissues i told jamie they come in multiples so much has happened in a day
i dont know where to begin
i remember december 29th 2001.
josh sent me an email saying he never wanted to talk to me again, he was back with Brittany
my world spun
thats how your email made me feel.
in the 5 and a half years since then my heart has been broken
i would say i have an anemic heart, it bruises easily for people i hardly know
but it only breaks for people i know.
you broke my heart,
not in a romantic way as so many have in the past
but it a way, a different way.
you compared me to your father
the one man you truly hate.
i have cried with you, i have laughed with you
i have ate with you, i have slept you with
and you slap me with that
how am i to respond?
how do i take the fact that you can't trust me?
all of the sudden the docile sleeping dog
turns and bites the hand who feeds it
shocked and alarmed
one stumbles
angry, sad, confused, hurt
with my bleeding hand i prayed
i prayed for some wisdom to see where this came from
you feel like i threatened you. i didn't
you have a problem, an issue, you CAN'T solve by yourself
do you know that? do you see that?
no. you can't control it. you can.t. you. can not.
you need help. you need to get help but you wont.
so i'm trying to help you.
and now you have shut me out.
you have taken my actions as manulations.
what i deemed for good, you have taken as evil
and i join your hit list.
in someways i wish your 'issue' was like a hot potato
and i could just pass it on.
but i can't and i wont
i dont give up
i dont.
i wont.
you can shut me out.
but i will sit outside your door.
i read your blog today about being torn up about sending the email
so why did you do it?
why did you decided to email me such hurtful words.
why not tell me to my face?
could you not bear it?
could you not handle the look of hurt?
the feeling of rejection?
that you knew my eyes would scream to you.
as i showered after i got that email
i cut my leg as it bled down my leg
i felt nothing
no pain, no victory, no vindication from the pain
you had placed on my heart
when the blood trickled down
i thought more of freedom from my sin.
thats what you need.
i love you, in a way that i dont think you have been loved before
i'm not giving up.
not in the way after the owner has been bitten by the dog
he gives up, he puts it away. goodbye
but i'm not going to
i'm not giving up. I'm hurt, but my love covers that.
i'm here for you. i'm sorry if i threatened you and you got scared
but you have a problem. when you want help. i'm h ere